Reality vs Expectations

"We all want to have happy, satisfied husbands and remarkable children..."

Years ago, I was an editor for a non-profit journal dedicated to moms at home. Part of my job included reviewing and considering our reader-submitted essays for publication. This line from one of our submissions has stuck in my brain for years.

I don't remember anything else about the essay, or even whether or not it was published. The reason I have remembered this particular phrase, though, is how unrealistic these expectations are, even though I and most other women have them.

Who among us does not want a "happy, satisfied husband and remarkable children?" Yet who among us has them? That woman is rare, indeed. There are very few men I know who are both happy and satisfied (in their careers). And often, if the men are both happy and satisfied, their wives are not particularly happy, because that happiness and work satisfaction usually means the husband is away from home too much of the time.

My husband is successful, as far as I am concerned, but he is neither satisfied nor happy in his work. This is a source of much heartache for me, since I put him through school, and he studied electrical engineering. He has ended up as a computer systems manager. Now he wishes he had become a librarian. However, he has always put our family first and has been available for his children. He has gone on field trips and has sat at the head of the dinner table nearly every night of their lives.

As far as having remarkable children: Unless your children happen to subscribe exactly to your idea of remarkable, you are bound for disappointment. My kids are wonderful, extraordinarily creative, interesting people, but none is a brilliant student. (I have a son and two daughters, ages 24, 21 and nearly 18.) I tried to get all of them to play the piano, and each had three years of lessons that led nowhere. My daughters took voice training, and though the younger one is a fabulous singer, she refuses to take lessons now. The older two are not progressing through college as they should, which is a source of concern and anxiety for both my husband and me.

Now, don't get me wrong--I love my children. I would not trade them for anyone else! But my idea of "remarkable" children are straight-A students, musicians, and avid readers like my husband and me. We have a substantial wall of well-used books, few of which our children have read. Despite our best efforts, our children are not what I expected. They are good people, kind and warm and hardworking. They are considerate and generally live up to our high moral standards. I really have no complaints about them. But they are not my idea of "remarkable."

Which brings me to the title of this essay: Before I was married, a very wise woman commented in a talk in church that "happiness is reality divided by expectations." I must say that my expectations have had to change from my youthful idealism:

Expectations should be neither too high nor too low.

My children have the right to their own definition of happiness and success, as does my husband.
Moral character is more important than material success.

Reality is not always what you want--heartache, from time to time, is inevitable.

You can't control anything that is outside your sphere of responsibility. Give it up. Don't even try because you are bound to be frustrated and unhappy, and you will alienate others. This means kids and husbands too--kids do eventually move outside your sphere of responsibility!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Sometimes I think I have the worst propensity of anyone to inadvertently insult people. There is a very nice woman with whom I cannot really say I am friends, but we are more than aquaintances. We were introduced many years ago by a mutual friend, and we communicate a couple of times a year (she has moved away from the area) but it seems that every time I am with her I manage to do something, completely unintentionally, to insult her or at the very least is rude to her. I really like her and enjoy her company, but if she does not feel like that toward me, I don't blame her!

I am very conscientious, most of the time, of my manners and try very hard not to make comments that are disrespectful of others. But I'm not careful enough, evidently. I am now on my way to doing the same stuff to my daughter's future in-laws!

While on a visit to make plans for the wedding a couple of weeks ago, I commented to Julie's future sister-in-law that I was totally against bridesmaids wearing black. I just can't get past these black-and-white or red-black-and-white weddings (though my daughter-in-law used those colors after soliciting my opinion. I told her what I thought, but also that it was her wedding and therefore her decision. My son loves red and black! He thought it was great.) Well, Julie's future sister-in-law had red and black too. Strike one.

The next day, I offended the girlfriend of Julie's future brother-in-law by launching into a denunciation of Hillary Clinton. Both my husband and I, and Julie's fiance's mom and stepfather were in agreement, but the girlfriend got up and left the room. I apologized, but there you are.

Then, a few days later, I was on the phone with Julie and these same young women were in the car with her. The sister-in-law offered to make invitations on her computer, which she had done for her sister a couple of years ago. I immediately said no; I like real copperplate engraved invitations or at the very least raised lettering. (Invitations are a real issue with me; I like very traditional styles and wording.) I am sure I insulted this young woman again.

It seems my life is full of these faux pas. I really like other people and I am tolerant of views other than my own, but I am also opinionated and outspoken. Yikes! Guess it's a good thing I live 2000 miles away!

I Always Love a Road Trip

I have just traveled for four days across the country with my husband in a Honda, in the middle of winter. Our trip was undertaken to deliver the car to our daughter, who recently became engaged.

In spite of having to pull off the road in the middle of heavy snow in Iowa, and again at Sidney, Nebraska, we had great weather and a wonderful opportunity to see the country in which we live.

Since we were raised in Los Angeles and now live in the Washington, DC suburbs, it's a nice wake-up call to see the way most of America lives. Odd, too, to see a place like Springfield, Illinois--a small town even if it is a state capitol.

What was nice was to see that my husband and I still enjoy one another's company on such an excursion, even after 27 years of marriage. Of course, the trip included shopping for a wedding dress, which my husband undertook with great sportsmanship! I overheard a salesgirl say to my daughter, "You have really fun parents!" I think we're fun and interesting people, and it's nice when a comment like that is unsolicited.