Reality vs Expectations

"We all want to have happy, satisfied husbands and remarkable children..."

Years ago, I was an editor for a non-profit journal dedicated to moms at home. Part of my job included reviewing and considering our reader-submitted essays for publication. This line from one of our submissions has stuck in my brain for years.

I don't remember anything else about the essay, or even whether or not it was published. The reason I have remembered this particular phrase, though, is how unrealistic these expectations are, even though I and most other women have them.

Who among us does not want a "happy, satisfied husband and remarkable children?" Yet who among us has them? That woman is rare, indeed. There are very few men I know who are both happy and satisfied (in their careers). And often, if the men are both happy and satisfied, their wives are not particularly happy, because that happiness and work satisfaction usually means the husband is away from home too much of the time.

My husband is successful, as far as I am concerned, but he is neither satisfied nor happy in his work. This is a source of much heartache for me, since I put him through school, and he studied electrical engineering. He has ended up as a computer systems manager. Now he wishes he had become a librarian. However, he has always put our family first and has been available for his children. He has gone on field trips and has sat at the head of the dinner table nearly every night of their lives.

As far as having remarkable children: Unless your children happen to subscribe exactly to your idea of remarkable, you are bound for disappointment. My kids are wonderful, extraordinarily creative, interesting people, but none is a brilliant student. (I have a son and two daughters, ages 24, 21 and nearly 18.) I tried to get all of them to play the piano, and each had three years of lessons that led nowhere. My daughters took voice training, and though the younger one is a fabulous singer, she refuses to take lessons now. The older two are not progressing through college as they should, which is a source of concern and anxiety for both my husband and me.

Now, don't get me wrong--I love my children. I would not trade them for anyone else! But my idea of "remarkable" children are straight-A students, musicians, and avid readers like my husband and me. We have a substantial wall of well-used books, few of which our children have read. Despite our best efforts, our children are not what I expected. They are good people, kind and warm and hardworking. They are considerate and generally live up to our high moral standards. I really have no complaints about them. But they are not my idea of "remarkable."

Which brings me to the title of this essay: Before I was married, a very wise woman commented in a talk in church that "happiness is reality divided by expectations." I must say that my expectations have had to change from my youthful idealism:

Expectations should be neither too high nor too low.

My children have the right to their own definition of happiness and success, as does my husband.
Moral character is more important than material success.

Reality is not always what you want--heartache, from time to time, is inevitable.

You can't control anything that is outside your sphere of responsibility. Give it up. Don't even try because you are bound to be frustrated and unhappy, and you will alienate others. This means kids and husbands too--kids do eventually move outside your sphere of responsibility!