tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74063532073911810702024-02-20T06:33:43.070-08:00A Life Well-LivedMrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.comBlogger94125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-9180834988606435902019-11-10T06:53:00.001-08:002019-11-10T06:54:23.628-08:00One Day at at TimeI take diet pills. I do this because I am addicted to sugar. Just this morning, I ate four donuts for breakfast, along with my usual green smoothie and a bowl of cereal with skim milk and blueberries.<br />
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All the pills do, really, is take the edge off my hunger. I still have to follow a diet plan. For me, that is about 1100 calories per day.<br />
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I do not get much exercise. It is something I truly dislike. I go to yoga class a couple of times a week, and a few years ago I did some work with a personal trainer, but for some reason I have been unable, though I have been trying for over 40 years, to break the back of this addiction.<br />
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So, I see a therapist who specializes in this problem twice a month, and a bariatric doctor once a month. I have not lost any weight for two months, largely because this time of year I am confronted with goodies at every turn, and because I am working full-time, I am soothing myself with food.<br />
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The thing with sugar addition is that food must be eaten. You can avoid drugs and alcohol, but you need to eat. I love to eat. I love carbs. I love curling up on the couch and reading, or watching TV and knitting.<br />
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So many people seem to love exercise! I know its benefits. I used to exercise more. However, with working full-time now, which I have done for a couple of years, I simply do not have the energy nor the inclination to do it.<br />
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However, a larger problem is that I hate myself for this weakness. I read an article earlier this week about having compassion for oneself. It really resonated, as I beat myself up constantly for every single wrong thing I have done my entire life--and it's a long list. I know God forgives me for my sins. Can I forgive myself?<br />
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Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous use the phrase, "One day at a time." It's harder to implement than it sounds. Am I enough? Do I deserve my own compassion? Can I overcome this weakness?Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-91201167332864799282015-01-02T21:10:00.000-08:002015-01-02T21:10:20.077-08:00Joy Cometh in the MorningMy son lost his job only a month after being hired.<br />
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He just finally graduated with his BFA in graphic design. He was approached by an in-house marketing department and hired. Life looked good. The pay was decent, and here he was, working in his field, in a job close to home!<br />
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Then it happened, right before Thanksgiving.<br />
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I have endured a lot of joblessness myself, but hearing this news was like a punch in the gut. I wonder if my mother ever worried about my work the way I worry about my kids'?<br />
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We prayed for him constantly. He is a young father of two. His wife took on more hours. He applied for jobs, and was getting interviews. We fasted every Sunday for him.<br />
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On December 11, just a few weeks after he was laid off, he was hired. Here, in Northern Virginia, with the company where he had served his internship! I couldn't believe my ears. Frankly, I never believed he would move back here!<br />
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So, he had three weeks to pack up and move across the country. As we were going out for Christmas, he swore me to secrecy so he could tell his father in person. I had to keep this news secret from my husband for ten days! Not an easy feat, as I was running around, renting a storage unit for them, and trying to discourage Wes from taking all kinds of stuff for the grandchildren on the trip. Nope, he doesn't need that, I'd say. Nah, he won't use that for a couple of years. It worked, and Wes left some stuff behind. I also had to talk him out of buying a pop-up unit for our daybed, since they are moving in with us and the daybed will be dismantled for the near future!<br />
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His worry about our son's job kept my husband from enjoying our Christmas preparations. The struggles of the little family were of great concern to him, and he felt this would be a bleak Christmas despite our all being together. But when the news was revealed--he was thrilled, and we knew the Lord had heard our prayers.<br />
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We never prayed that our children would move back here, though that was preferable for us. I always asked the Lord to bless them with good jobs and the ability to provide for their families. So we are thrilled to have some of our grandchildren living nearby, so we can be real grandparents to them. I want my grandchildren to know me, to feel comfortable in my home, and to feel that I am there for love and support.<br />
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I know intellectually that the Lord loves me and cares about me, but when I get some physical evidence of this, it is humbling and it touches my heart deeply. I know God cares about every one of us, despite pain and sorrows. Joy does come in the morning from time to time. What a blessing it is!<br />
<br />Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-44955395425434544942014-10-18T12:30:00.002-07:002014-10-18T12:30:17.730-07:00Fall into Fall!Quite a few years ago now, our daughters and some neighborhood kids created a little Fall Festival for their parents to watch. They sang out, "Fall! Fall! Fall into fall!" My older daughter was the ringleader, being the eldest of the eight little girls in four houses here. (In contrast, among the same homes, there were only three boys, more spread out in age.)<br />
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October is my favorite month of the year. My birthday (which was yesterday) falls in the middle of the month. We start eating warm soups and chili. I love to cook with pumpkin. I bring out my Halloween decorations, and after that the Thanksgiving tablecloth and arrangement for the dining room. The trees are alive with color. The air turns cooler, and I get out the flannel sheets and the down comforter.<br />
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I spent the past two weeks in Utah with my four adorable grandchildren. It is a blessing and a curse to live so far away. The blessing is that I am not constantly confronted with my failures as a mother, and I don't have to see parenting and housekeeping practices of which I disapprove all the time. On the other hand, I miss my children and grandchildren terribly. Thank goodness for the wonderful electronic devices that enable us to have face-to-face phone calls!<br />
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Of course, I played a part in damaging stuff at my dad's. No matter what I do over there, I seem to damage something. This time I am liable for cracking the top of the glass stovetop and ruining the oven light (by simply running the cleaning cycle on a very dirty oven.) No good deed goes unpunished in my world!<br />
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Still, I rub along, trying my best.<br />
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A friend's daughter got married while I was out there, and it was a great blessing to be able to attend the reception. My new little grandson is perfect and thriving. My son has a new, terrific job in his field of graphic design. I am proud of them all.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-34566810157893605642014-08-14T10:21:00.003-07:002015-01-02T21:12:07.134-08:00On Women, Men, and OrdinationRecently a young woman who is agitating for women to be ordained to the priesthood in the LDS Church was excommunicated.<br />
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Her position is that she merely has a difference of opinion with leaders, and that she is entitled to that. The position of the men who excommunicated her is that she is advocating and encouraging others to press for ordination as well, and that in doing so she is teaching principles contrary to the Gospel.<br />
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I examined her website, Ordain Women, and I have to agree with the church authorities on this. I have also listened to her on a couple of podcasts, and like many others who dissent, I feel she is re-interpreting Gospel messages and history to align with her own beliefs, and not what the anointed, ordained servants of God who lead this church, preach.<br />
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Because of the brouhaha this has caused, we had a recent Sunday in which women and the priesthood was thoroughly addressed. Two female speakers in Sacrament meeting gave wonderful talks. One woman quoted Sheri Dew, who is a former member of the General Relief Society presidency and served as president of Deseret Book. She said that women in our church do more than many ordained women in other churches. We teach, expound scripture, lead auxiliary organizations, and serve missions.<br />
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The speaker also pointed out that women do not have to be ordained to be admitted to the temple, but men do. I found that very profound.<br />
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Then in Relief Society, the young teacher, a mother of two, used Dallin Oaks' address in the April 2014 General Conference Priesthood session as the basis of her remarks. She humbly got up and admitted that she was a "feminist," that she had been discriminated against at times, and that she had been dismissive of the general "women are special" patronizing remarks made by the General Authorities. And then she admitted that she had been wrong.<br />
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After spending three months investigating and praying and pondering this subject, she beautifully expounded on the differences between men and women of the Church, and how it is in no way a gospel teaching that women are somehow "less than." And I agree. While some men are patronizing toward women at times (I have witnessed this in my own life) this is not what Christ teaches or advocates. It was wonderful to hear her humble testimony and witness her conversion to this point of view. A lot of women in that room needed to hear this.<br />
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A friend and I were discussing the re-emergence of this issue, and she pointed out something that I have pondered a lot: "Young women today have been raised with the idea that they can do anything men can do, and that they are equal. This is at variance with what they hear at church." True. While my parents raised me with the idea that I could and would go to college and have my choice of career without gender bias, there was also support for stay-home motherhood that is no longer the case. Girls have bought, lock, stock and barrel, that the highest and best use of their time is in a career. I used to believe this, but then I had kids. Suddenly my own agenda took a back seat, and rightly so. It took a while, but I learned to love and embrace being a homemaker and mother. It is, indeed, a holy calling and a great privilege.<br />
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Getting back to the podcasts I have heard, the young leader of Ordain Women stated something I found astonishing, and in nearly 40 years in the Church I have never, ever, heard this uttered by a childless woman: "We are childless by choice." What? I believe that bearing children and creating an eternal family is a commandment, and this woman, who claims to be a staunch believer, is actively refusing to take on this responsibility. That speaks volumes about her motivations, if you ask me. She is deliberately setting aside the opportunity for the greatest growth a human being can have.<br />
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These complaints seem to overwhelmingly come from well-educated, white, middle-class women. The Ordain Women website is overly academic and legalistic. And the grievances seem very petty. Look, nobody's perfect, even ecclesiastical leaders, and while I don't think anyone should put up with abuse, get over it, quit taking offense, and allow others' minor mistakes to roll off your back. Keep your eye on God and live the commandments.<br />
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I don't know why women are not ordained to the priesthood. I suspect that men would leave the Church in droves if they were, as has happened in other faiths. Men and women are different, in every single cell of their bodies. We cannot and should not pretend they are the same.<br />
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Furthermore, it does no good to speculate on when, where, or whether women will be ordained. Personally, I don't care, and I do not think it is ever going to happen, but if and when it does, I need to know that directive comes from the Lord.<br />
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I am literally seeing the very elect be deceived, and the sifting of the wheat from the tares has begun. As for me, I want to be one of those kernels of wheat. We know what the final score will be, and I want to be on the winning team.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-8989697970929376092014-06-22T17:43:00.001-07:002014-06-22T17:43:06.724-07:00Life is BeautifulTonight my husband and I went to a concert outdoors in Vienna, Virginia. The performing artists were the Sea Chanters, a 17-voice choir made up of members of the U.S. Navy. They are very good, and did a great variety of numbers. I really don't enjoy concerts most of the time; I often go just to be supportive of the interests of my husband, but though I went reluctantly this time, I was glad I did.<br />
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It was a beautiful evening. The air was not too warm and not too cool, and there was not much humidity and no breezes. Perfect weather. The Sea Chanters were originally formed to continue the legacy of sea shanties, songs performed by sailors, and they usually do one of those tunes. They always end singing the songs of the five military organizations.<br />
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Women were added to the group in 1980. Watching the women perform tonight, my eyes filled with tears. My daughter has the talent and charisma to sing in a group like this. However, she does not have the desire or motivation. Her talent is wasted, and that breaks my heart.<br />
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Friday night our son-in-law fell while skateboarding and broke his femur up in his hip. This required him to have surgery yesterday. The doctor is optimistic that he will be fine, and he is doing well, but this is a major blow to him and our other daughter. They have one child and are expecting another, and he does business-to-business sales, so he can't afford any downtime.<br />
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Our son has applied for a job with a hip, fun company. They were supposed to have gotten back to him over a week ago, but he has not heard. I guess they don't want him. He is frustrated at the difficulty of trying to find a fulfilling job and still take care of his family.<br />
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When your kid hurts, you hurt.<br />
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As we drove home through the beautiful evening, I thought about how crushingly disappointing life can be; how sad and frustrating and difficult. But it is also achingly beautiful. And there are currants in the cake (I read that sentence in a book one time!): I published my first book on Amazon's Create Space this week. I have already sold eight paperback copies and four e-reader copies! Go me! Something checked off my bucket list!<br />
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<br />Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-70195098170238249082014-05-09T08:22:00.001-07:002014-05-09T08:22:22.917-07:00Guilt and AmbiguityI really don't miss my mother.<br />
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There. I said it. I really don't miss my mother.<br />
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She has been gone for four-and-a-half years, and frankly, there are other women in my life who I miss more.<br />
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My mother loved me; I know she did. I never felt she didn't. She just was a very difficult person. She was harsh and judgmental and she could be very mean and tactless. As she grew older she became even more intolerant of anything that didn't fit into her narrow ideas about how things should be.<br />
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Mom saw things as very black-and-white, for example, either you were well-dressed, in an outfit she approved of (and you were never, ever to go without stockings or socks, even in sandals) or you weren't. You were a millionaire, or a failure. Only white-collar, well-compensated jobs were worthwhile. Your kids were either well-behaved, straight-A students or they were delinquents. If you weren't very slim, you were a fat slob.<br />
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It was very difficult, enduring endless criticism and disapproval, but I kept trying.<br />
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I firmly believe that Mom suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterized by black-and-white thinking, fear of abandonment, mood swings and impulsivity. But while it is an explanation, it isn't an excuse. Mom was also intelligent and had access to the best psychiatric care available--she just had so much fear and anxiety that she couldn't have changed if she'd tried.<br />
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So here it is Mother's Day. I used to spend at least twenty minutes each year selecting a card for her. She wanted mushy and sentimental; she hated jokey, flippant cards. She wanted to be revered, loved, honored. But it was so difficult to do that. One card would wax on about the angelic, caring mother--nope. Another would go on about the mom who was never angry. No again. Finally I would find one that struck the right note between gratitude for her sacrifices and love, but not carry over into gushing about unconditional support and sweetness. She was usually very happy with the cards I sent.<br />
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So it is with mixed emotions that I approach Mother's Day. I have at least one child who thinks I'm sadly lacking as a mom. I have another who thinks I'm terrific. Whatever. All I can say is that I did my best. I am sure that my best wasn't good enough sometimes, but that is life. None of us is perfect.<br />
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So, to my imperfect mom, I love you. I appreciate all the good things you taught me and I forgive the difficulties. And to my children--you mean the world to me. I taught you the best I could to be decent, hard-working, and faithful.<br />
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Happy Mother's Day.<br />
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<br />Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-76468703263894453112014-04-18T08:34:00.000-07:002014-04-18T08:34:05.451-07:00A Perspective on HomeI am home after 28 days away. What a marathon trip. I love my family, and I felt good to be able to help them all with what they needed. I spent the first week with my son's family, taking a day with my dad, and the next week with my older daughter and her baby, with days spent with my younger daughter. Then my husband arrived and we spent time with each of them again, and when he left I spent three days with my dad again. I got sick with the 'flu two days before I left. Yikes. I still feel lousy.<br />
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Living out of a suitcase for a month was less of a challenge than I had thought it might be. So I get home, and I want to get rid of all my clothes! I certainly don't need all I have, but I like having it. I do feel less inclined to shop and acquire more. So I get rid of a bit here and there.<br />
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Fortunately, despite ditching my diet, I only gained a bit over a pound. I have lost 17 pounds since December 30. What a relief. I still want to lose 5 more, but it is nice to be comfortable in my clothes again.<br />
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"The wise woman knows that even when she has done all she can, there will always remain more people who could use her help, and she is satisfied anyway." (Paraphrased from a talk by Julie Beck, I think!) I am trying to be satisfied with what I have done, rather than dwell on what I have not been able to complete.<br />
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Now to get back into my routine.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-23612380094206345522014-03-22T07:59:00.001-07:002014-03-22T08:00:57.058-07:00Grandmere is AvailableI am in Utah at the home of my son and his family. I was supposed to get here on April 2, but I changed my flight because their newborn has been in the hospital with RSV, a viral infection that can be fatal to newborns.<br />
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Having a new baby is stressful, and having a new baby with a child at home is even worse. They were cobbling together child care and the house was a wreck, so I got on the next plane I could. Now I am here for nearly a month, and I hope I will get to see a lot of friends and get to do some things I usually cannot when I am here making a whirlwind trip.</div>
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Fortunately, things have worked out for me to be able to do this. I was laid off of my job a month ago. This causes me some worry, as I am spending a lot of money to be here and also to get my book, "If You Say You're Gonna Kill 'em, You Have to Kill 'em," a childrearing book, online. I saved most of the money I made during the prior six months, so I have a little cushion, but I was hoping to keep that in savings. So it goes. Still, I have the time and the health and the ability to help care for my family, and that is very important to me. </div>
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The Spirit bore witness to me that I should do this, and it is my experience that I need to listen and obey, so I did. The baby is home now, but still needs to be taken in to the hospital daily for suction of his airways. But he is doing well, and is beautiful and well-loved. </div>
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I am where I should be.</div>
Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-77927924794494859532014-01-12T19:20:00.000-08:002014-01-12T19:20:59.366-08:00BlundersSometimes I feel unutterably inadequate. Actually, make that a lot of the time.<br />
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My boss dressed me down for a mistake I made last Tuesday, and now, Sunday, it still is bothering me. I feel that so often, I stick out my neck and I get a bop on the head. The story of my life. I suppose that when the end of my life comes, I will be glad I stuck out said neck and suffered the blows on the head rather than carefully living my life so that I avoid all problems. But in the meantime, I humiliate myself on a regular basis.<br />
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I pray fervently every day that I can bless the lives of people I come across. I pray that I can bless the lives of my customers, to not make mistakes at work, to serve as a good example of a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. So I get very frustrated when my good intentions come to naught or are misinterpreted.<br />
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This past year has been so very, very hard. I believe in God; I know Christ lives and that I am loved by my father in Heaven, but the good things are so few and far between. I know each day is a gift, and that looking for the small tender mercies that really are there every day, helps. I really need some truly good things to happen, though. And not just for me--for my children. I feel so beaten down by life.<br />
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Life with young children was difficult, it is true, and I longed for the day when they didn't need me so much. But then comes the time that they are adults, and when they make decisions that are in conflict with the Gospel or are just plain lazy or dumb, it really can be devastating. When they are small, they can break your spirit, but when they are adults, they can break your heart. It is so difficult to maintain optimism when I consider that there may be empty chairs around my table in the afterlife.<br />
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However, that is what God experiences too.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-90165362805826106982013-12-11T05:06:00.002-08:002013-12-11T05:12:55.470-08:00ValidationI dreamed I was visiting my college last night. I majored in broadcast journalism and I graduated 35 years ago this month. But instead of celebrating a major goal reached, I went home broken, exhausted, and discouraged. I wasn't sure what I was going to do; had no romantic relationship. I felt unwanted, even worthless. But I got a good job in my field in a couple of months, and began attending a singles ward filled with wonderful women who were a lot like me, and slowly my confidence and happiness built again. Then I met my future husband. We were married just two years after I graduated.<br />
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Still, I had never felt validated at school. I never received much encouragement from the professors; I think there may have been a policy at the time not to fraternize with the kids or show any kind of favoritism. At least, I hope so. When my daughter took a screenwriting class there, the professor offered to help her get accepted into the program. She didn't take him up on it, but the fact that someone found her talented enough to encourage her and support her nearly made me weep!<br />
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The gist of my dream (which usually are quite improbable) was that I was visiting the school with other people, and while I wasn't allowed to watch a newscast, the woman in charge (they were all men when I was in school) said I could do a part of the broadcast! Which I did. Then I received an evaluation sheet, which was covered with funny cartoon drawings illustrating me at the newsdesk and other people doing strange things--such are dreams.<br />
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Across the top it said, "Recommended."<br />
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I had been recommended for a slot on the news team. In my dream I cried. It was all I ever wanted--validation.<br />
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Dreams have a huge effect on my mood when I wake up. This one made my day! I was buoyed by my imaginary experience. I don't know why I dreamed this (it piggybacked on a weird dream wherein my husband and I were staying in a fancy New York hotel with a bunch of stars from the forties and fifties. There was a neighborhood of crumbling houses right across the street, and I wondered why the area hadn't been redeveloped). All I know is that the dream essentially reconciling 35 years of discouragement and feelings of inadequacy was very meaningful to me. I kept saying to other people, "That's all I ever wanted," through happy tears.<br />
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I have no idea how to interpret this. Perhaps it's a reflection on the relief I feel having already shipped out all the Christmas presents, including the homemade ones. Maybe it's because my daughter-in-law, for whom I made a Christmas stocking to match her husband's and son's, was very appreciative of my efforts. I have no idea. I am just going to let it make my day.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-19214271561231614212013-11-10T09:24:00.001-08:002013-11-10T09:24:11.758-08:00Amazing GraceMy daughter and granddaughter flew out from Utah to celebrate my birthday. What a blessing to have a dear, precious granddaughter. She is truly the light of my life. I loved being able to cuddle her little body and buy her cute clothes. I prayed with her, blessed her, fed her, changed her, bathed her, and talked to her. She is a smiley, happy baby. A precious, priceless gift.<br />
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Then as soon as they left, my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson arrived. Another precious little family, and in the spring they will be having a new baby! Two years in a row I have received news of an impending birth for my own birthday. I am so excited!<br />
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My little grandson is a beautiful child. He was the world's most adorable scarecrow for Halloween, and my husband and his parents took him Trick or Treating for the first time. I stayed home and sat on my porch, jack-o'-lanterns glowing, and passed out candy to the kids coming to our door. I was content and happy to sit there and just enjoy the moment. I love Halloween, and especially love having a grandchild to share it with.<br />
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We miss our children a lot. I wish with all my heart that they lived nearby so we could be a part of each other's lives more often. I want my grandchildren to know me well, share my everyday life, and be close. My parents sacrificed that; both my sister and I moved far away and they were busy with their own lives and work. I don't want that. I want to share my faith and my hobbies and my chores with my precious grandchildren. I want them to spontaneously call me and look to me for help, support, and love. I want them to know without a doubt that I love them more than life itself.<br />
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Now we are getting ready for the holiday season. I have had fun selecting gifts for my family, and it's time to wrap and send them out. We are safe and secure in our home. We have good friends and loved ones to care for us. We have little grandchildren to again share the wonder of Christmas, and a sweet dog to add some liveliness (and scratched floors) to our home. What amazing grace.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-4478167670750481092013-09-15T17:27:00.001-07:002013-09-15T17:27:57.502-07:00Coming to UnderstandingMy mother passed away nearly four years ago. The last three years of her life were very unpleasant. She was essentially bedridden, and in pain from scoliosis and stenosis of the nerves in her back. Years of prednisone use due to her ulcerative colitis wrought havoc on her body's tissues. She also had a defibrillator device to regulate her heartbeat.<br />
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I was there during her last week. Hospice came in and she was pretty much out of it, lying on a hospital bed in the living room. It was not a pleasant thing, but I am glad I stayed there with my dad and he was not alone with her. She died on a bright Friday morning. It was sad, but a relief too, to know she was no longer in pain. She donated her body to the University of Utah Medical Center, and unfortunately they came over in an SUV and zipped her into a body bag right in front of my sister and me (my dad had the sense to leave the room). We walked out to the car as a final farewell.<br />
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Mom had a difficult life; not in the material sense, but in a spiritual and emotional sense. I firmly believe she had borderline personality disorder and an anxiety disorder as well. She also might have had ADD. She was volatile, getting violently angry every day. She screamed and yelled and argued with my dad and us kids. I was frequently puzzled by her unreasonable reactions to things--nothing was a small deal with her. She was seldom happy and had difficult relationships with other people and co-workers.<br />
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While my mom pursued psychotherapy on more than one occasion, she seldom stuck with it long enough to get real results. Somehow she lacked the ability to apply herself to making permanent changes. Sometimes she realized how much her behavior hurt other people, but most of the time her ego and self-esteem were so fragile she was caught up in trying to protect them.<br />
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I just finished reading Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Dr. Robert O. Friedel, an expert in the field right here in Virginia at VCU. I found out that many of Mom's behaviors were the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder. It has been a great relief to me to know that she very likely could not help the way she behaved a lot of the time. This disorder is very hard to treat and often people are not properly diagnosed.<br />
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I am sorry she was that way, and I have had a legacy of difficulties resulting from having such a bad example of temper, immaturity, unreasonable expectations, and self-centeredness modeled for me. Still, in many ways she was a great mom, and I know she loved my sister and me. I know that Christ's Atonement will make it all well in the long run, and that we will be able to rebuild our relationship in the next life. I forgive her for the hurt she caused me and I hope she will forgive me for anything I might have done to hurt her.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-78805718998108974872013-08-18T11:14:00.002-07:002013-08-18T11:14:54.930-07:00The End of the TunnelI usually hesitate to say I have reached the end of the tunnel, because it is my experience that the next tunnel shows up pretty soon. Oh, the light is there, pinprick in the darkness, always, but it often takes a very long time to get there.<br />
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However, I do feel I am emerging from this particular long tunnel. It has been very hard to negotiate this one. I have learned that sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other despite the tunnel's length. This one has not been simply long, but has had rough terrain.<br />
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I have received several blessings recently that have let me know that despite the intense pain of the past several months, the Lord does know I'm here and He does care about me and my happiness!<br />
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Because we have spent a lot of money on the kitchen project, I was worried about having funds. As a freelance writer, I have not made much money the past couple of months, but I was kind of at a loss as to how to find a job. I knew it would have to fall into my lap if I got one.<br />
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And fall into my lap it did. A friend called me and offered me a job with an online retailer, pretty much letting me decide how much time to spend. I work two days a week, and the office is in a townhouse literally around the corner from my house. The money is decent, and I already know the two people I work with. Perfect. I love it!<br />
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I got a dog. My son's dog was keeping them from finding suitable housing. Wes agreed to take the dog, but we were unable to find a way to get him out here. I prayed. Two guys who were spending their summer shuttling stuff all over the country offered to bring him here for $300. Done!<br />
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Buddy has added a lot to my life. It's much more work, dog hair abatement is my latest hobby, but I am enjoying him--and Wes is too, though he may not admit it.<br />
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The kitchen has turned out beautifully and I am very grateful we have been able to do it.<br />
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And I know that no matter how long the problems last, how painful they are, how much I have to endure, that God and Jesus Christ are there. The Atonement is available for all of us. I have been greatly blessed.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-24753137402206827142013-07-26T18:42:00.002-07:002013-07-26T18:42:24.342-07:00First World ProblemsI have never really liked my kitchen. Its only saving grace has been its large size. It had dark oak cabinets, an ugly white tile floor grouted in gray (which I painstakingly painted with almond grout paint; that made it look less grid-like), and originally had beat-up off-white Formica counters. Over the years, I replaced the counters with a prettier green Formica that looked like granite, and I got a fabulous Bosch dishwasher. But the cabinets were cheap, the fridge inadequate, and the stove had a section of the seal missing on the top oven that made an indelible grease and soot stain on the strip of chrome above it. The burners didn't work that well and it was not level, so cakes came out lopsided. I lived with all this for 16 years.<br />
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I did have a nice table and chairs and pretty window treatments; it could have been a lot worse. But the tile was increasingly hard on my back and legs, and in April, I dropped a bottle of red nail polish on the floor. It shattered, and I had to use nail polish remover to get all of it up.<br />
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That did it. I decided to get a new kitchen.<br />
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To save money, we decided to do most of the work ourselves. So we proceeded to nearly kill our middle-aged selves with the demolition. We removed the stupid soffits, and Wes re-routed the wiring that was inside. Out went most of the cheap cabinets. We made three trips to the dump.<br />
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The floor was a beast to get up. Then we had to take out a layer of subfloor and install a new one. Then the flooring went in. It's a European product that clicks together, so we did it ourselves. What a chore. It wasn't that difficult, but it was tedious.<br />
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In the meantime, we set up our new microwave oven on the kitchen table moved into the dining room. We have been eating off of paper plates with plastic cutlery. All my stuff normally stored in the kitchen has been stashed all over the house. What a mess.<br />
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Everything is covered in a layer of dust. Our air conditioning filter was filthy in no time. I will have to clean everything in the house!<br />
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But what right do I have to complain? I may not be getting the kitchen of my dreams (at least $20,000 more than I could spend) but it is beautiful. I have cherry cabinets! I am getting a granite counter--a slab I picked myself! My floor is beautiful! We will have under-cabinet lighting and beautiful fixtures! I get a new fridge and stove! I now have a microwave oven! (Which I have never had, but never missed. I am just putting it in because it is standard in homes now.)<br />
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First world problems. I decided that I would not lament the things I cannot have, but celebrate the things I can have. Especially when so many around the world do not have even clean water to drink. I can get it chilled right out of my fridge!<br />
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I feel very fortunate to live in this time and place and to have the means to fix up my house. I am blessed. We are working very hard, but it will be such a wonderful finish to my home. I have beautiful hardwood floors and a cherry kitchen!<br />
<br />Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-12761503042727177442013-06-16T08:24:00.002-07:002013-06-16T08:24:36.484-07:00Belief and UnbeliefI have been blessed with a second grandchild--a little girl, born to my daughter and son-in-law on Thursday, June 13. I get to go see her next week.<br />
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My faith has been tested mightily the last few months, and I do have to say I have grown from the experience. From time to time, I feel borne up on the wings of the Spirit, but this does not happen as much as I would like it to. I have never felt that the Lord has abandoned me, exactly; but I have not felt the great healing power I believe is there for the faithful.<br />
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Yet, I know better than to try to force this or expect God to bend to my will. And I have to admit that while I hate experiencing the refiner's fire, I believe that the refined end result will be worth it.<br />
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So I hav embarked on a major project in order to have something to focus on and to anticipate. We are re-doing our kitchen! It is an expensive process requiring a lot of decisions, so I hired a designer to help me, and now it is just a matter of ripping out the old and getting the new done on schedule. Wes is taking pictures all along the way and will put the chronicles on his Picasa site, as he did our wood floor installation.<br />
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We have successfully installed our new light fixture over the kitchen table. I did a nice job of repairing the drywall in the ceiling--we had to move the light a few inches. I have chosen a gorgeous granite for the countertops. I will finally have both my wood floor and granite counters! My life is complete!<br />
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<br />Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-15271689804991508462013-04-24T16:26:00.004-07:002013-04-24T16:26:35.464-07:00Difficulties are not PunishmentsHow I wish I had known the language to express this simple idea to my mother before she died.<br />
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I have always suspected this; I knew that life brings difficulties and trials to everyone. But I had to learn this for myself. My poor mom always believed that a problem-free life was possible and desirable, and that somehow she was being punished when she had a difficult experience.<br />
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Because this was my mother's worldview, I of course absorbed it on some level. I think I believed it at one point in my life. But of course, with experience I have found that nobody gets through this life without problems. Nobody. The problems may be different, of course, but everyone has them. Princess Diana was a prime example. She was highborn, wealthy, beautiful, famous, had two darling boys, but was never happy. She cast about looking for happiness, but died tragically never having found it. (It didn't help that her husband was unfaithful. But still.)<br />
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But, Old Testament aside, God does not send us difficulties to punish us. Rather, he has set a world in motion, and the fallen state of it has given us problems to overcome. We have to work, labor to give birth, suffer the frailties of our human bodies, and we are affected by the mistakes and sins of others as well as our own.<br />
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We therefore must make it a priority to look for the good things we experience rather than dwell on the things that are imperfect or negative. Sometimes it feels as though there are no good things at all, but we can search among the weeds for the wildflowers. They are there.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-20395888826584829432013-04-07T15:16:00.001-07:002013-04-07T15:16:23.399-07:00GriefGrief is the unspeakable sorrow that results from a tragic experience.<br />
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We have kind of a weird relationship with grief. We really don't know how to deal with it or how to help someone else deal with it, despite the proliferation of so-called "grief counselors" today.<br />
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Most of the time, we think of grief in relation to a death, but we can grieve for other reasons.<br />
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I am grieving right now for unfulfilled dreams and expectations, and the spiritual death of a child. It is hard. I feel I have no one who can help me. I pray, but my expectations of succor and comfort are not met. I really don't even know what those expectations are. I grieve the non-appearance of a miracle that I desperately hoped for. I grieve for what I may not have done right earlier in my life. I grieve for people I know who are experience excruciating heartache, the uncertainty of job loss, and terminal illness. I grieve the loss of my youth and optimism. I feel grief for the diminishing strength of my physical body.<br />
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I know that grief is another of the refiner's fires, that without the bitter things in life, I cannot appreciate the sweet. But I have been tasting the bitter for a long time now. I don't find many sweet things these days.<br />
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Tomorrow morning, I will pull myself out of bed once again, find the things to be thankful for in the day, and I will seek to help others and fulfill my responsibilities.<br />
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But for now, I grieve.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-40716788048784255432013-03-20T13:49:00.001-07:002013-03-20T13:49:53.395-07:00Tender MerciesI drove to Richmond today in order to work on a story. As I drove south through the early morning, the sun gradually dawning, I was so grateful to have a nice car to drive, and XM radio to listen to--no losing the station! I was happy to be in good health and have a great reason to go down there and learn something new.<br />
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Being grateful for the small things is key to happiness, I've found. When I start to lament the problems I have in my life, I realize that a lot of other people have things a lot worse.<br />
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The Lord gives us tender mercies all the time, but we have to actually look for them and rejoice in them, especially when times are tough. While there have been times I've shaken my fist and asked the Lord, why? I know He is there, He knows me, and He will make things right in the end, as long as I am faithful.<br />
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Last October, Elder Neil L. Anderson said in General Conference:<br />
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<i>"These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God...Immerse yourself in the very things that helped build your core of faith: exercise faith in Christ, pray, ponder the scriptures, repent, keep the commandments, serve others...whatever you do, don't step away from the Church! Distancing yourself from the kingdom of God during a trial of faith is like leaving the safety of a secure storm cellar just as the tornado comes into view."</i><br />
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So true, and exactly what I needed to hear on Sunday.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-42307786520092376872013-01-07T09:27:00.001-08:002013-01-07T09:27:58.206-08:00Just BeingI'm sitting alone in the house, with nothing pressing to do, just enjoying the quiet and occasionally the wind gusting outside my window.<br />
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The bed is made, the quilt top complete, I just packed up a gift to send to a friend, and my bills are paid. The paperwork for our taxes is organized. The car has enough gas and we have food in the 'fridge. I am perking along with an article that is due in a couple of weeks. All is well.<br />
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So, rather than wrack my brain for something "constructive" to do, I am just sitting, happily drinking in the silence and the beauty of my surroundings, enjoying the contentment. There is much to be grateful for, and I intend to enjoy that.<br />
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Just being.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-58448895195274912552012-12-24T08:04:00.002-08:002012-12-24T08:04:46.567-08:00Happiness, againThe Constitution of the United States guarantees Americans the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It does not guarantee happiness itself; only the right to pursue it.<br />
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The pursuit of happiness is, I believe, ingrained in humans. But how do we square our pursuit of happiness with the selfishness that makes the natural man an enemy to God?<br />
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Because of my faith, I believe God and Jesus Christ want me to turn from my natural tendencies to complain, be selfish, sleep too much, eat too much, and just be nasty. It is much easier to give in to these tendencies than to fight them, unfortunately.<br />
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But, oddly enough, behaving in the way that feels most natural to me does not bring me happiness. Quite the contrary! I am happiest when I am exercising, accomplishing tasks that help my family, and striving to become more disciplined and productive.<br />
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Recently I finished the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. She is a 30-something attorney-turned-writer in New York, the mother of two, and an inveterate researcher. So she set up her own project to become happier over the course of a year. And guess what? She found that happiness was highest when she was kinder and nicer to her husband and kids, including extending more patience and compassion to her daughters (I wish I'd been able to learn this 25 years ago), disciplining herself by mindfully working resolutions to eat better, organize better, and overall exercise more self-discipline; to increase her charitable donations, and to cultivate a more loving and benevolent attitude toward life. It was fascinating to read about her discoveries that led to what I would call a more Christlike life.<br />
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And she came to these conclusions in a completely secular way.<br />
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One of the things she did was designate a week wherein she made no negative comments whatsoever. It was difficult, and she did not do it perfectly, but she became mindful of what she was doing and really tried to be completely positive. This is one thing I am definitely going to do!<br />
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Rubin also came to the conclusion that being cheerful and positive are harder to do than being cranky and negative. Very true. It was a boost to have someone acknowledge this. I remind myself of it when I am trying to be cheerful in the face of problems or another person's negativity.<br />
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Reading this book helped me know that I am on the right path for myself. I am impressed that she came to these conclusions so early in life--I wish I had, but at least I was living the gospel of Jesus Christ, so I was making some progress in the right direction.<br />
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I am excited to begin a new year for the first time in a long time. I choose to be happy this new year.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-23989709056337078182012-12-02T06:43:00.001-08:002012-12-02T06:43:42.524-08:00Choosing HappinessAbraham Lincoln said once that "a man is just about as happy as he decides to be." My paraphrase, anyway. And recently I have had this truth brought home to me.<br />
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I had a long conversation with someone that made me realize that holding on to the myriad past hurts and offenses we inevitably experience in life is unbelievably damaging and completely robs one of happiness. And it was clear to me that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is called the "plan of happiness" for a reason. As we choose to model our lives after that of Christ, to look for the good in others, to respect them as children of God as we ourselves are, to allow them their choices for good or ill, without judgment, and to give ourselves over to love and light, we do better. We are happy. We are comfortable in our own skin.<br />
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I had heard of the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, on a television show. I hadn't read it, but I proposed it for our book group to read and we chose it. So I am reading it now.<br />
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Rubin takes a year of her life to improve her own happiness--which, she discovers, means to exercise more self-discipline in every area of her life, to choose the better way. We members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints know this already, but it's interesting to gain the perspective of another person and see the specific things she did and learn the reasons for her choosing them. Now, the shortcut is to simply live the gospel of Jesus Christ, but that's more easily said than done!<br />
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My conversation with that sad, angry, resentful person made me so grateful for the ability I have cultivated, through long hard practice, of letting go of the things I can do nothing about, to forgive those who have hurt me, however inadvertently or deliberately, and to enjoy the present. No, life is not perfect! But embracing the beauty with all its imperfection is still the happiest way to live.<br />
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I have often searched for perfect leaves in the fall to press and display. It's nearly impossible to find a single leaf that is perfectly symmetrical, evenly colored, and without spot. I usually can't find one, and so I choose what I consider to be the best color, or best shape, and abandon the idea of a perfect one. But if you look at the whole--the gorgeous trees in all their blazing fall colors--the landscape is so incredibly beautiful it brings tears to your eyes. Yet, among those millions and millions of leaves, barely one is perfect. And it doesn't matter to the view one bit.<br />
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Yesterday was December first, the beginning of the end of the year. I feel I have come to a major turning point in my life. It's far different than I have experienced before, for some reason. I think it may be hormonal--my post-menopause body is settling in, and although I don't like the dry skin, wrinkles, and thickened waist, the reprieve from the hormonal stew is welcome.<br />
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But that is not the only thing that has contributed to the changes. This past year has been one of difficult growth. I have suffered emotionally more than I ever thought possible, and I am suffering physically as well, with a chronic back problem that simply has to be managed rather than cured.<br />
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I have also spent a huge amount of money traveling back and forth to Utah, which I would have preferred to spend on a new kitchen! The year I chose to quit working and write only! And my dishwasher is broken! (To be fair, it is over 10 years old.)<br />
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The combination of this list of difficulties and disappointments would have sent me into a depressed spiral years ago, and I would have gone running for meds to try to hang on. Not that I didn't feel like this from time to time this past year. However, I realized yesterday, as I drove home from a friend's house, listening to Christmas songs on the car radio, that I am very happy, just as I am. As happy as I have ever been.<br />
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Somehow, in some way, I have learned to choose happiness rather than to dwell on the negative. Not that those thoughts don't come; they do, but I can banish them now and move on with more ease.<br />
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I know that not everyone has to come to my stage in life to understand all these things. This has been my journey only. Do I wish I'd been able to feel this way twenty years ago? Absolutely! I would and could have done a lot of things better and felt much happier. But this has been my imperfect journey, and I am grateful for it. There's still much more to do, and I am lucky enough to be around to do it.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-69983019808912225532012-10-17T10:03:00.001-07:002012-12-02T06:06:55.055-08:00The Benefit of the DoubtI absolutely do not believe that the vast majority of people have malicious intentions toward others. Yet, some people I know are certain that others wish them ill and are actively out to get them. (I recently learned that this is called "Fundamental Attribution Errors." People erroneously attribute ill will to others while excusing their own mistakes with things like, "Well, I was stressed," or tired, or ill, etc.)<br />
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For example, the other morning I was watching Sunday Morning with my dad. They featured a story about an L.A. cop who has never, ever, had a complaint lodged against him. This is unheard-of. So they interviewed the guy and watched him handing out traffic tickets.<br />
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His attitude was one of kindness and respect and safety. He set up a win-win situation with those he was fining for breaking the law! The drivers liked him, because he didn't try to order them around, shame them, or create an adversarial relationship with them. He gave them the benefit of the doubt. And isn't that how we all want to be treated?<br />
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So if the Golden Rule says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," why don't more people give others the same benefit of the doubt? Why do they ascribe sinister motives to someone else, look for reasons to take offense, and allow this to make them angry?<br />
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I've been reading a book called The Power, by Rhonda Byrne, who also wrote The Secret. While they are new-age and kind of smarmy and simplistic, the message is: Love. Love is the most positive force in the universe, and as we express it toward everyone and everything, we bring it to ourselves. This is essentially the same message delivered in a more thoughtful and sophisticated way in Bonds that Make us Free. Christ teaches us to love one another--no matter what. We need to worry less about our own needs being met, and reach out to meet the needs of others.<br />
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My dear late mother truly believed that the only thing that mattered was the way she treated people, and it didn't matter what she thought of them. I disagree. We need to send positive, benevolent thoughts and behaviors to everyone, regardless of how they treat us. I believe that as we think, so are we. If we are positive and happy, it positively affects others, and don't we love being around positive, happy people?<br />
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This is not easy, but it is absolutely necessary.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-46390538056644978812012-08-28T11:27:00.004-07:002012-08-28T11:28:02.643-07:00Be Kind to YourselfWhy is it that most of us have no trouble being kind to other people, but when it comes to ourselves, we just can't do it?<br />
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We dwell on the mistakes, imperfections, humiliations--the times when we felt "less than." Less than what others expected of us, less than what we expected of ourselves.<br />
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Even though I have had moments of epiphany when I have discovered that it's okay to be imperfect, that imperfection is normal and that perfection is rarely obtained, and that imperfection usually doesn't matter at all, it is still very, very hard for me to accept this in myself.<br />
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I know that God accepts me in all my imperfection, that He loves me, and that he appreciates my striving to be better. and that I can cast my burdens at His feet.<br />
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All humans are worthy of love and belonging, including me. We are loved by, and belong to, a wonderful Heavenly Father. We follow Him by extending His love to all--and we must accept this love for ourselves, imperfections and all.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-43889591510601373892012-07-31T07:50:00.003-07:002012-07-31T07:52:43.512-07:00Liking What One Has to DoIn my sophomore year of college, I read a very thought-provoking quote posted on the dorm floor's bulletin board.<br />
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<i>"The secret to life is not doing what one likes, but learning to like what one has to do." </i>(Dinah Maria Mulok Craik)<br />
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This is very true. As I was forcing myself through my exercise class today--I really dislike exercise of any sort--I realized that most of the time, I am doing what I have to do, not what I'd like to do. What I really like is the end result of the things I have to do, such as a stronger, slimmer, flexible body, a clean floor, draperies in the living room, a delicious meal.<br />
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I do enjoy the process of knitting as well as the finished product, but that, for me, is rare. Oh, and I like spending money and reading. But I can't, and don't, spend money I do not have and I try not to read when I have other responsibilities that are more pressing.<br />
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The thing is, I have learned that being an adult means that you exercise the self-discipline to do things you don't really like, but that benefit your family, or yourself sometime in the future.<br />
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College was not an enjoyable experience for me, and I was too immature to try to figure out how I could learn to like what I had to do. If I had just given myself permission to take some classes for fun, rather than zoom my way through just what I had to take to graduate, perhaps it would have been a better experience. Still, it was something I had to do--and I was able to support myself after I graduated.<br />
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I took upon myself obligations and responsibilities when I got married, and I have learned to like at least some of the things I have to do. I feel proud of myself when I hold my tongue and resist nagging my husband, and I feel happy when I see the stacks of clean, fresh laundry or the beautifully made bed.<br />
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Dedication to the gospel of Jesus Christ has brought with it obligations and many tasks I'd rather not do, but I am grateful to God for my health and strength and other blessings, so I don't begrudge the service I give in His kingdom.<br />
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Doing what one likes all the time does not bring happiness or self-esteem. Discipline, courage, and remaining positive when doing what one has to do, does.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7406353207391181070.post-866046363198686132012-07-09T05:40:00.001-07:002012-07-09T05:40:48.170-07:00More on JoyMy feeling is that pleasures are short-lived--the pleasure of eating a delicious meal, reading a good book, watching a movie, finishing a task and admiring the result. Joy, on the other hand, is deep happiness that threads its way through a well-lived life.<br />
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I read this quote, by Brene Brown:<br />
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"Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments--often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we're too busy chasing down extraordinary moments...A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable."<br />
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Brown goes on to say that because we are anxious, joy and gratitude can be very vulnerable and intense experiences, so we sabotage the joy because, perhaps we fear it won't last, or we are worried that the other shoe will drop. My mother was the master of this kind of thinking. It robbed her of happiness her entire life.<br />
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I know that joy and happiness are part of God's plan for His children. I believe that living with an open heart, with benevolence toward others and forgiveness of oneself, is the road to deep and lasting joy.Mrs. Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05043853884695032972noreply@blogger.com0