Forgiveness

My mother is nearly 83 and her health is failing. She cannot walk more than a few steps with a walker, and she spends most of her time in bed. My father waits on her constantly, fixes all of her meals, does all of the shopping and cleaning, and schleps her to various doctors.

I live two thousand miles away, therefore I cannot do much except talk on the phone. I try to make it out to see my parents at least twice a year, but I have work obligations and a child still at home. My sister lives there, and her kids are grown, but she works full-time. She does what she can, but she, and I, still carry a lot of resentment for the way we were treated as children, and the way our mother continues to treat us.

Mom is a perfectionist and highly controlling. For example, she chewed me out recently because my married son, age 24, was wearing a pair of jeans with the knees blown out when he went to see her one day. I laughed, and asked her if she had followed me around to check out my clothing when I was 24. Of course she did not, but because, "I didn't have to," implying that she had taught her own children better manners!

Unfortunately issues like this come up all the time. Both my sister and I have endured decades of spiteful, nasty carping over things that really do not matter very much. I have told Mom point-blank that her scolding and complaints are not winning friends or influencing people, but nothing changes.

What it boils down to is whether or not I can forgive my mother for her hurtful behavior. My job is to love and honor my parents, no matter how difficult that gets. It is easier now, that I am a mature adult who has raised children herself, and my strong religious beliefs indeed require me to forgive. It is also clear to me that most people "know not what they do" when offense is given or taken. They are doing the best that they can, and all deserve our love and goodwill.

Forgiveness does much more for the person extending it than for the person receiving it. Forgiveness humbles the spirit, and therefore elevates it. Forgiveness is not easy, and I have found that it requires a lot of prayer and a loving heart, but it also brings us spiritually closer to God and Jesus Christ than anything else.

Happiness

I once read an essay that was actually about organizing and cleaning your home, but really was about happiness. It said, "...and happiness will simply settle softly on your shoulder." Well, it wasn't that, verbatim, and my version is unintentionally more alliterative, but you get the picture.

I have found that there is no secret to happiness, no magic formula or luck of birth or genetics that leads to it (although I am ruling out serious biochemical problems). Happiness, as I define it, is loving yourself, liking yourself, and finding joy in everyday living. It has taken me half a century of work to get here, and while I am not happy all day every day, I can say that for the majority of the time, I am a happy person.

There is always something to appreciate--be it a sunrise, the snow gently falling, the cut of a favorite pair of pants, the way a certain color makes you look, the taste of fresh bread or a perfectly ripe strawberry.

We have come to expect so much of life that happiness becomes more and more elusive, as we associate it with perfection and material things. I have been trying to let go of these external, artificial measures of happiness, and to instead opt for a comfort in my skin and an appreciation of myself as a good and productive human being. That's living well, and happily.

Now I'm Really 50

Sometimes it takes a while for a birthday to sink in. When I turned thirty, it was great--I felt like a real adult, that I had truly arrived. Forty was difficult--it meant that I was definitely middle-aged. Fifty was okay; I am resigned to the fact that there are wrinkles and aches and pains, but last night I really and truly realized that I am fifty.

My husband and I were shopping for groceries, and I saw another couple, several years older than we are, but in their fifties, and I realized that we look like that, more or less. They were nice looking, well-dressed, and the man had white hair, but as it often happens, it's a bit of a shock to get a glimpse of what you must look like to the rest of the world. (This is the idea behind the secret footage and the 360-degree mirror on What Not To Wear, but I digress.)

So, at that moment, reality sank in. I am fifty years old. I am part of An Older Couple. Not much I can do about it, but there it is. And it's okay.

On a Life Well-Lived

So why is my blog named this? This is simply my life's ambition. I hope that, when I get to the end, I can feel that my life has been well-lived. For me, I think that will be enough.

I guess I'm waxing nostalgic because this is the year when I will become an empty-nester. My eldest child is married, the middle one is engaged, and my youngest will go off to college in the fall. I used to believe that I'd be ecstatic at this time, and ready to take on the world once more, but I'm not. I feel adrift in an alien sea, again, as I did when I first became a mom 24 years ago.

Only now I'm much more uncertain and actually, kind of fragile. I have kids out there who are good and wonderful people, but they are still capable of making huge, life-altering mistakes. I've seen friends who don't deserve it get sick and die. I've stared a life-threatening illness in the face. I've seen other friends go through horrid, nasty divorces. I've questioned my values, motives, and decisions. I've seen my parents age and grow progressively more incapable and unhappy. I've realized that I can't fix everything--and thankfully, that it's not my job to do so!

So what will I do with the next half of my life? I am not forcing myself to decide right now, but I firmly believe that when I do look for the answer to that question, I'll be provided with the inspiration and guidance from above that I need--and that this wonderful, messy, sorrowful, joyful experience will add up to something of value: a life that's been good and well-lived.

A Life Well-Lived

Although I am a professional writer, I had never thought I had the time to create a blog, but I have found that there are many others whose blogs are quite wonderful, witty and thought-provoking. So here I am, sending my own musings out into the ether. I hope that I can say something interesting to someone besides myself.