Blunders

Sometimes I feel unutterably inadequate. Actually, make that a lot of the time.

My boss dressed me down for a mistake I made last Tuesday, and now, Sunday, it still is bothering me. I feel that so often, I stick out my neck and I get a bop on the head. The story of my life. I suppose that when the end of my life comes, I will be glad I stuck out said neck and suffered the blows on the head rather than carefully living my life so that I avoid all problems. But in the meantime, I humiliate myself on a regular basis.

I pray fervently every day that I can bless the lives of people I come across. I pray that I can bless the lives of my customers, to not make mistakes at work, to serve as a good example of a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. So I get very frustrated when my good intentions come to naught or are misinterpreted.

This past year has been so very, very hard. I believe in God; I know Christ lives and that I am loved by my father in Heaven, but the good things are so few and far between. I know each day is a gift, and that looking for the small tender mercies that really are there every day, helps. I really need some truly good things to happen, though. And not just for me--for my children. I feel so beaten down by life.

Life with young children was difficult, it is true, and I longed for the day when they didn't need me so much. But then comes the time that they are adults, and when they make decisions that are in conflict with the Gospel or are just plain lazy or dumb, it really can be devastating. When they are small, they can break your spirit, but when they are adults, they can break your heart. It is so difficult to maintain optimism when I consider that there may be empty chairs around my table in the afterlife.

However, that is what God experiences too.

Validation

I dreamed I was visiting my college last night. I majored in broadcast journalism and I graduated 35 years ago this month. But instead of celebrating a major goal reached, I went home broken, exhausted, and discouraged. I wasn't sure what I was going to do; had no romantic relationship. I felt unwanted, even worthless. But I got a good job in my field in a couple of months, and began attending a singles ward filled with wonderful women who were a lot like me, and slowly my confidence and happiness built again. Then I met my future husband. We were married just two years after I graduated.

Still, I had never felt validated at school. I never received much encouragement from the professors; I think there may have been a policy at the time not to fraternize with the kids or show any kind of favoritism. At least, I hope so. When my daughter took a screenwriting class there, the professor offered  to help her get accepted into the program. She didn't take him up on it, but the fact that someone found her talented enough to encourage her and support her nearly made me weep!

The gist of my dream (which usually are quite improbable) was that I was visiting the school with other people, and while I wasn't allowed to watch a newscast, the woman in charge (they were all men when I was in school) said I could do a part of the broadcast! Which I did. Then I received an evaluation sheet, which was covered with funny cartoon drawings illustrating me at the newsdesk and other people doing strange things--such are dreams.

Across the top it said, "Recommended."

I had been recommended for a slot on the news team. In my dream I cried. It was all I ever wanted--validation.

Dreams have a huge effect on my mood when I wake up. This one made my day! I was buoyed by my imaginary experience. I don't know why I dreamed this (it piggybacked on a weird dream wherein my husband and I were staying in a fancy New York hotel with a bunch of stars from the forties and fifties. There was a neighborhood of crumbling houses right across the street, and I wondered why the area hadn't been redeveloped). All I know is that the dream essentially reconciling 35 years of discouragement and feelings of inadequacy was very meaningful to me. I kept saying to other people, "That's all I ever wanted," through happy tears.

I have no idea how to interpret this. Perhaps it's a reflection on the relief I feel having already shipped out all the Christmas presents, including the homemade ones. Maybe it's because my daughter-in-law, for whom I made a Christmas stocking to match her husband's and son's, was very appreciative of my efforts. I have no idea. I am just going to let it make my day.

Amazing Grace

My daughter and granddaughter flew out from Utah to celebrate my birthday. What a blessing to have a dear, precious granddaughter. She is truly the light of my life. I loved being able to cuddle her little body and buy her cute clothes. I prayed with her, blessed her, fed her, changed her, bathed her, and talked to her. She is a smiley, happy baby. A precious, priceless gift.

Then as soon as they left, my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson arrived. Another precious little family, and in the spring they will be having a new baby! Two years in a row I have received news of an impending birth for my own birthday. I am so excited!

My little grandson is a beautiful child. He was the world's most adorable scarecrow for Halloween, and my husband and his parents took him Trick or Treating for the first time. I stayed home and sat on my porch, jack-o'-lanterns glowing, and passed out candy to the kids coming to our door. I was content and happy to sit there and just enjoy the moment. I love Halloween, and especially love having a grandchild to share it with.

We miss our children a lot. I wish with all my heart that they lived nearby so we could be a part of each other's lives more often. I want my grandchildren to know me well, share my everyday life, and be close. My parents sacrificed that; both my sister and I moved far away and they were busy with their own lives and work. I don't want that. I want to share my faith and my hobbies and my chores with my precious grandchildren. I want them to spontaneously call me and look to me for help, support, and love. I want them to know without a doubt that I love them more than life itself.

Now we are getting ready for the holiday season. I have had fun selecting gifts for my family, and it's time to wrap and send them out. We are safe and secure in our home. We have good friends and loved ones to care for us. We have little grandchildren to again share the wonder of Christmas, and a sweet dog to add some liveliness (and scratched floors) to our home. What amazing grace.

Coming to Understanding

My mother passed away nearly four years ago. The last three years of her life were very unpleasant. She was essentially bedridden, and in pain from scoliosis and stenosis of the nerves in her back. Years of prednisone use due to her ulcerative colitis wrought havoc on her body's tissues. She also had a defibrillator device to regulate her heartbeat.

I was there during her last week. Hospice came in and she was pretty much out of it, lying on a hospital bed in the living room. It was not a pleasant thing, but I am glad I stayed there with my dad and he was not alone with her. She died on a bright Friday morning. It was sad, but a relief too, to know she was no longer in pain. She donated her body to the University of Utah Medical Center, and unfortunately they came over in an SUV and zipped her into a body bag right in front of my sister and me (my dad had the sense to leave the room). We walked out to the car as a final farewell.

Mom had a difficult life; not in the material sense, but in a spiritual and emotional sense. I firmly believe she had borderline personality disorder and an anxiety disorder as well. She also might have had ADD. She was volatile, getting violently angry every day. She screamed and yelled and argued with my dad and us kids. I was frequently puzzled by her unreasonable reactions to things--nothing was a small deal with her. She was seldom happy and had difficult relationships with other people and co-workers.

While my mom pursued psychotherapy on more than one occasion, she seldom stuck with it long enough to get real results. Somehow she lacked the ability to apply herself to making permanent changes. Sometimes she realized how much her behavior hurt other people, but most of the time her ego and self-esteem were so fragile she was caught up in trying to protect them.

I just finished reading Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Dr. Robert O. Friedel, an expert in the field right here in Virginia at VCU. I found out that many of Mom's behaviors were the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder. It has been a great relief to me to know that she very likely could not help the way she behaved a lot of the time. This disorder is very hard to treat and often people are not properly diagnosed.

I am sorry she was that way, and I have had a legacy of difficulties resulting from having such a bad example of temper, immaturity, unreasonable expectations, and self-centeredness modeled for me. Still, in many ways she was a great mom, and I know she loved my sister and me. I know that Christ's Atonement will make it all well in the long run, and that we will be able to rebuild our relationship in the next life. I forgive her for the hurt she caused me and I hope she will forgive me for anything I might have done to hurt her.

The End of the Tunnel

I usually hesitate to say I have reached the end of the tunnel, because it is my experience that the next tunnel shows up pretty soon. Oh, the light is there, pinprick in the darkness, always, but it often takes a very long time to get there.

However, I do feel I am emerging from this particular long tunnel. It has been very hard to negotiate this one. I have learned that sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other despite the tunnel's length. This one has not been simply long, but has had rough terrain.

I have received several blessings recently that have let me know that despite the intense pain of the past several months, the Lord does know I'm here and He does care about me and my happiness!

Because we have spent a lot of money on the kitchen project, I was worried about having funds. As a freelance writer, I have not made much money the past couple of months, but I was kind of at a loss as to how to find a job. I knew it would have to fall into my lap if I got one.

And fall into my lap it did. A friend called me and offered me a job with an online retailer, pretty much letting me decide how much time to spend. I work two days a week, and the office is in a townhouse literally around the corner from my house. The money is decent, and I already know the two people I work with. Perfect. I love it!

I got a dog. My son's dog was keeping them from finding suitable housing. Wes agreed to take the dog, but we were unable to find a way to get him out here. I prayed. Two guys who were spending their summer shuttling stuff all over the country offered to bring him here for $300. Done!

Buddy has added a lot to my life. It's much more work, dog hair abatement is my latest hobby, but I am enjoying him--and Wes is too, though he may not admit it.

The kitchen has turned out beautifully and I am very grateful we have been able to do it.

And I know that no matter how long the problems last, how painful they are, how much I have to endure, that God and Jesus Christ are there. The Atonement is available for all of us. I have been greatly blessed.

First World Problems

I have never really liked my kitchen. Its only saving grace has been its large size. It had dark oak cabinets, an ugly white tile floor grouted in gray (which I painstakingly painted with almond grout paint; that made it look less grid-like), and originally had beat-up off-white Formica counters. Over the years, I replaced the counters with a prettier green Formica that looked like granite, and I got a fabulous Bosch dishwasher. But the cabinets were cheap, the fridge inadequate, and the stove had a section of the seal missing on the top oven that made an indelible grease and soot stain on the strip of chrome above it. The burners didn't work that well and it was not level, so cakes came out lopsided. I lived with all this for 16 years.

I did have a nice table and chairs and pretty window treatments; it could have been a lot worse. But the tile was increasingly hard on my back and legs, and in April, I dropped a bottle of red nail polish on the floor. It shattered, and I had to use nail polish remover to get all of it up.

That did it. I decided to get a new kitchen.

To save money, we decided to do most of the work ourselves. So we proceeded to nearly kill our middle-aged selves with the demolition. We removed the stupid soffits, and Wes re-routed the wiring that was inside. Out went most of the cheap cabinets. We made three trips to the dump.

The floor was a beast to get up. Then we had to take out a layer of subfloor and install a new one. Then the flooring went in. It's a European product that clicks together, so we did it ourselves. What a chore. It wasn't that difficult, but it was tedious.

In the meantime, we set up our new microwave oven on the kitchen table moved into the dining room. We have been eating off of paper plates with plastic cutlery. All my stuff normally stored in the kitchen has been stashed all over the house. What a mess.

Everything is covered in a layer of dust. Our air conditioning filter was filthy in no time. I will have to clean everything in the house!

But what right do I have to complain? I may not be getting the kitchen of my dreams (at least $20,000 more than I could spend) but it is beautiful. I have cherry cabinets! I am getting a granite counter--a slab I picked myself! My floor is beautiful! We will have under-cabinet lighting and beautiful fixtures! I get a new fridge and stove! I now have a microwave oven! (Which I have never had, but never missed. I am just putting it in because it is standard in homes now.)

First world problems. I decided that I would not lament the things I cannot have, but celebrate the things I can have. Especially when so many around the world do not have even clean water to drink. I can get it chilled right out of my fridge!

I feel very fortunate to live in this time and place and to have the means to fix up my house. I am blessed. We are working very hard, but it will be such a wonderful finish to my home. I have beautiful hardwood floors and a cherry kitchen!

Belief and Unbelief

I have been blessed with a second grandchild--a little girl, born to my daughter and son-in-law on Thursday, June 13. I get to go see her next week.

My faith has been tested mightily the last few months, and I do have to say I have grown from the experience. From time to time, I feel borne up on the wings of the Spirit, but this does not happen as much as I would like it to. I have never felt that the Lord has abandoned me, exactly; but I have not felt the great healing power I believe is there for the faithful.

Yet, I know better than to try to force this or expect God to bend to my will. And I have to admit that while I hate experiencing the refiner's fire, I believe that the refined end result will be worth it.

So I hav embarked on a major project in order to have something to focus on and to anticipate. We are re-doing our kitchen! It is an expensive process requiring a lot of decisions, so I hired a designer to help me, and now it is just a matter of ripping out the old and getting the new done on schedule. Wes is taking pictures all along the way and will put the chronicles on his Picasa site, as he did our wood floor installation.

We have successfully installed our new light fixture over the kitchen table. I did a nice job of repairing the drywall in the ceiling--we had to move the light a few inches. I have chosen a gorgeous granite for the countertops. I will finally have both my wood floor and granite counters! My life is complete!