Validation

I dreamed I was visiting my college last night. I majored in broadcast journalism and I graduated 35 years ago this month. But instead of celebrating a major goal reached, I went home broken, exhausted, and discouraged. I wasn't sure what I was going to do; had no romantic relationship. I felt unwanted, even worthless. But I got a good job in my field in a couple of months, and began attending a singles ward filled with wonderful women who were a lot like me, and slowly my confidence and happiness built again. Then I met my future husband. We were married just two years after I graduated.

Still, I had never felt validated at school. I never received much encouragement from the professors; I think there may have been a policy at the time not to fraternize with the kids or show any kind of favoritism. At least, I hope so. When my daughter took a screenwriting class there, the professor offered  to help her get accepted into the program. She didn't take him up on it, but the fact that someone found her talented enough to encourage her and support her nearly made me weep!

The gist of my dream (which usually are quite improbable) was that I was visiting the school with other people, and while I wasn't allowed to watch a newscast, the woman in charge (they were all men when I was in school) said I could do a part of the broadcast! Which I did. Then I received an evaluation sheet, which was covered with funny cartoon drawings illustrating me at the newsdesk and other people doing strange things--such are dreams.

Across the top it said, "Recommended."

I had been recommended for a slot on the news team. In my dream I cried. It was all I ever wanted--validation.

Dreams have a huge effect on my mood when I wake up. This one made my day! I was buoyed by my imaginary experience. I don't know why I dreamed this (it piggybacked on a weird dream wherein my husband and I were staying in a fancy New York hotel with a bunch of stars from the forties and fifties. There was a neighborhood of crumbling houses right across the street, and I wondered why the area hadn't been redeveloped). All I know is that the dream essentially reconciling 35 years of discouragement and feelings of inadequacy was very meaningful to me. I kept saying to other people, "That's all I ever wanted," through happy tears.

I have no idea how to interpret this. Perhaps it's a reflection on the relief I feel having already shipped out all the Christmas presents, including the homemade ones. Maybe it's because my daughter-in-law, for whom I made a Christmas stocking to match her husband's and son's, was very appreciative of my efforts. I have no idea. I am just going to let it make my day.