Coming to Understanding

My mother passed away nearly four years ago. The last three years of her life were very unpleasant. She was essentially bedridden, and in pain from scoliosis and stenosis of the nerves in her back. Years of prednisone use due to her ulcerative colitis wrought havoc on her body's tissues. She also had a defibrillator device to regulate her heartbeat.

I was there during her last week. Hospice came in and she was pretty much out of it, lying on a hospital bed in the living room. It was not a pleasant thing, but I am glad I stayed there with my dad and he was not alone with her. She died on a bright Friday morning. It was sad, but a relief too, to know she was no longer in pain. She donated her body to the University of Utah Medical Center, and unfortunately they came over in an SUV and zipped her into a body bag right in front of my sister and me (my dad had the sense to leave the room). We walked out to the car as a final farewell.

Mom had a difficult life; not in the material sense, but in a spiritual and emotional sense. I firmly believe she had borderline personality disorder and an anxiety disorder as well. She also might have had ADD. She was volatile, getting violently angry every day. She screamed and yelled and argued with my dad and us kids. I was frequently puzzled by her unreasonable reactions to things--nothing was a small deal with her. She was seldom happy and had difficult relationships with other people and co-workers.

While my mom pursued psychotherapy on more than one occasion, she seldom stuck with it long enough to get real results. Somehow she lacked the ability to apply herself to making permanent changes. Sometimes she realized how much her behavior hurt other people, but most of the time her ego and self-esteem were so fragile she was caught up in trying to protect them.

I just finished reading Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Dr. Robert O. Friedel, an expert in the field right here in Virginia at VCU. I found out that many of Mom's behaviors were the hallmarks of borderline personality disorder. It has been a great relief to me to know that she very likely could not help the way she behaved a lot of the time. This disorder is very hard to treat and often people are not properly diagnosed.

I am sorry she was that way, and I have had a legacy of difficulties resulting from having such a bad example of temper, immaturity, unreasonable expectations, and self-centeredness modeled for me. Still, in many ways she was a great mom, and I know she loved my sister and me. I know that Christ's Atonement will make it all well in the long run, and that we will be able to rebuild our relationship in the next life. I forgive her for the hurt she caused me and I hope she will forgive me for anything I might have done to hurt her.