It's been three years since I went to stay with and care for my mom for two weeks, the year she died.
As her incapacity grew, so did her anger and frustration. She was a tormented, angry person at all times, and this only became more marked as she aged.
I have to say that I didn't always treat her with compassion. Partly, I did not understand the true nature of her problems. I have come to the conclusion that her behaviors were textbook borderline personality disorder, and I also suspect she was abused at some point in her childhood. She may have had a measure of ADD as well.
Why none of this was ever diagnosed by a medical professional will always puzzle me. She went to several psychiatrists and psychologists over the years, and saw her last general-practioner a lot. But that is the way it was--and I certainly do not have the whole story, since I didn't speak with these people.
Unfortunately, she took out her frustrations on my sister, my father, and me. I wish I had known about BPD ten years earlier; maybe I could have handled it better, and discussed it with her doctors.
Stuff swims up in my memory, and although I know she loved me, as much as she could, there was so much that was unfair and just plain bad. Try as I might to get rid of it, the influence of my upbringing still comes through in my life and into my relations with friends, colleagues, and family. I'm not a mean person, and I try to be uplifting in all that I do, but a rough childhood is hard to overcome. Living with a mentally ill person, even if it's relatively minor, is a lot like living with an alcoholic.
To this day I am trying to forgive my mother for her domineering, rigid, eccentric beliefs and behaviors. Just as I need to be forgiven of my faults.
What this all boils down to is whether or not I believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its universality. Intellectually, I do. Intellectually, I know it applies to me and my mistakes as well. And I pray for forgiveness, of my own shortcomings and to be able to forgive others' that affect me.
Friday, March 9, 2012
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