The Constitution of the United States guarantees Americans the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It does not guarantee happiness itself; only the right to pursue it.
The pursuit of happiness is, I believe, ingrained in humans. But how do we square our pursuit of happiness with the selfishness that makes the natural man an enemy to God?
Because of my faith, I believe God and Jesus Christ want me to turn from my natural tendencies to complain, be selfish, sleep too much, eat too much, and just be nasty. It is much easier to give in to these tendencies than to fight them, unfortunately.
But, oddly enough, behaving in the way that feels most natural to me does not bring me happiness. Quite the contrary! I am happiest when I am exercising, accomplishing tasks that help my family, and striving to become more disciplined and productive.
Recently I finished the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. She is a 30-something attorney-turned-writer in New York, the mother of two, and an inveterate researcher. So she set up her own project to become happier over the course of a year. And guess what? She found that happiness was highest when she was kinder and nicer to her husband and kids, including extending more patience and compassion to her daughters (I wish I'd been able to learn this 25 years ago), disciplining herself by mindfully working resolutions to eat better, organize better, and overall exercise more self-discipline; to increase her charitable donations, and to cultivate a more loving and benevolent attitude toward life. It was fascinating to read about her discoveries that led to what I would call a more Christlike life.
And she came to these conclusions in a completely secular way.
One of the things she did was designate a week wherein she made no negative comments whatsoever. It was difficult, and she did not do it perfectly, but she became mindful of what she was doing and really tried to be completely positive. This is one thing I am definitely going to do!
Rubin also came to the conclusion that being cheerful and positive are harder to do than being cranky and negative. Very true. It was a boost to have someone acknowledge this. I remind myself of it when I am trying to be cheerful in the face of problems or another person's negativity.
Reading this book helped me know that I am on the right path for myself. I am impressed that she came to these conclusions so early in life--I wish I had, but at least I was living the gospel of Jesus Christ, so I was making some progress in the right direction.
I am excited to begin a new year for the first time in a long time. I choose to be happy this new year.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Choosing Happiness
Abraham Lincoln said once that "a man is just about as happy as he decides to be." My paraphrase, anyway. And recently I have had this truth brought home to me.
I had a long conversation with someone that made me realize that holding on to the myriad past hurts and offenses we inevitably experience in life is unbelievably damaging and completely robs one of happiness. And it was clear to me that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is called the "plan of happiness" for a reason. As we choose to model our lives after that of Christ, to look for the good in others, to respect them as children of God as we ourselves are, to allow them their choices for good or ill, without judgment, and to give ourselves over to love and light, we do better. We are happy. We are comfortable in our own skin.
I had heard of the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, on a television show. I hadn't read it, but I proposed it for our book group to read and we chose it. So I am reading it now.
Rubin takes a year of her life to improve her own happiness--which, she discovers, means to exercise more self-discipline in every area of her life, to choose the better way. We members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints know this already, but it's interesting to gain the perspective of another person and see the specific things she did and learn the reasons for her choosing them. Now, the shortcut is to simply live the gospel of Jesus Christ, but that's more easily said than done!
My conversation with that sad, angry, resentful person made me so grateful for the ability I have cultivated, through long hard practice, of letting go of the things I can do nothing about, to forgive those who have hurt me, however inadvertently or deliberately, and to enjoy the present. No, life is not perfect! But embracing the beauty with all its imperfection is still the happiest way to live.
I have often searched for perfect leaves in the fall to press and display. It's nearly impossible to find a single leaf that is perfectly symmetrical, evenly colored, and without spot. I usually can't find one, and so I choose what I consider to be the best color, or best shape, and abandon the idea of a perfect one. But if you look at the whole--the gorgeous trees in all their blazing fall colors--the landscape is so incredibly beautiful it brings tears to your eyes. Yet, among those millions and millions of leaves, barely one is perfect. And it doesn't matter to the view one bit.
Yesterday was December first, the beginning of the end of the year. I feel I have come to a major turning point in my life. It's far different than I have experienced before, for some reason. I think it may be hormonal--my post-menopause body is settling in, and although I don't like the dry skin, wrinkles, and thickened waist, the reprieve from the hormonal stew is welcome.
But that is not the only thing that has contributed to the changes. This past year has been one of difficult growth. I have suffered emotionally more than I ever thought possible, and I am suffering physically as well, with a chronic back problem that simply has to be managed rather than cured.
I have also spent a huge amount of money traveling back and forth to Utah, which I would have preferred to spend on a new kitchen! The year I chose to quit working and write only! And my dishwasher is broken! (To be fair, it is over 10 years old.)
The combination of this list of difficulties and disappointments would have sent me into a depressed spiral years ago, and I would have gone running for meds to try to hang on. Not that I didn't feel like this from time to time this past year. However, I realized yesterday, as I drove home from a friend's house, listening to Christmas songs on the car radio, that I am very happy, just as I am. As happy as I have ever been.
Somehow, in some way, I have learned to choose happiness rather than to dwell on the negative. Not that those thoughts don't come; they do, but I can banish them now and move on with more ease.
I know that not everyone has to come to my stage in life to understand all these things. This has been my journey only. Do I wish I'd been able to feel this way twenty years ago? Absolutely! I would and could have done a lot of things better and felt much happier. But this has been my imperfect journey, and I am grateful for it. There's still much more to do, and I am lucky enough to be around to do it.
I had a long conversation with someone that made me realize that holding on to the myriad past hurts and offenses we inevitably experience in life is unbelievably damaging and completely robs one of happiness. And it was clear to me that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is called the "plan of happiness" for a reason. As we choose to model our lives after that of Christ, to look for the good in others, to respect them as children of God as we ourselves are, to allow them their choices for good or ill, without judgment, and to give ourselves over to love and light, we do better. We are happy. We are comfortable in our own skin.
I had heard of the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, on a television show. I hadn't read it, but I proposed it for our book group to read and we chose it. So I am reading it now.
Rubin takes a year of her life to improve her own happiness--which, she discovers, means to exercise more self-discipline in every area of her life, to choose the better way. We members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints know this already, but it's interesting to gain the perspective of another person and see the specific things she did and learn the reasons for her choosing them. Now, the shortcut is to simply live the gospel of Jesus Christ, but that's more easily said than done!
My conversation with that sad, angry, resentful person made me so grateful for the ability I have cultivated, through long hard practice, of letting go of the things I can do nothing about, to forgive those who have hurt me, however inadvertently or deliberately, and to enjoy the present. No, life is not perfect! But embracing the beauty with all its imperfection is still the happiest way to live.
I have often searched for perfect leaves in the fall to press and display. It's nearly impossible to find a single leaf that is perfectly symmetrical, evenly colored, and without spot. I usually can't find one, and so I choose what I consider to be the best color, or best shape, and abandon the idea of a perfect one. But if you look at the whole--the gorgeous trees in all their blazing fall colors--the landscape is so incredibly beautiful it brings tears to your eyes. Yet, among those millions and millions of leaves, barely one is perfect. And it doesn't matter to the view one bit.
Yesterday was December first, the beginning of the end of the year. I feel I have come to a major turning point in my life. It's far different than I have experienced before, for some reason. I think it may be hormonal--my post-menopause body is settling in, and although I don't like the dry skin, wrinkles, and thickened waist, the reprieve from the hormonal stew is welcome.
But that is not the only thing that has contributed to the changes. This past year has been one of difficult growth. I have suffered emotionally more than I ever thought possible, and I am suffering physically as well, with a chronic back problem that simply has to be managed rather than cured.
I have also spent a huge amount of money traveling back and forth to Utah, which I would have preferred to spend on a new kitchen! The year I chose to quit working and write only! And my dishwasher is broken! (To be fair, it is over 10 years old.)
The combination of this list of difficulties and disappointments would have sent me into a depressed spiral years ago, and I would have gone running for meds to try to hang on. Not that I didn't feel like this from time to time this past year. However, I realized yesterday, as I drove home from a friend's house, listening to Christmas songs on the car radio, that I am very happy, just as I am. As happy as I have ever been.
Somehow, in some way, I have learned to choose happiness rather than to dwell on the negative. Not that those thoughts don't come; they do, but I can banish them now and move on with more ease.
I know that not everyone has to come to my stage in life to understand all these things. This has been my journey only. Do I wish I'd been able to feel this way twenty years ago? Absolutely! I would and could have done a lot of things better and felt much happier. But this has been my imperfect journey, and I am grateful for it. There's still much more to do, and I am lucky enough to be around to do it.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Benefit of the Doubt
I absolutely do not believe that the vast majority of people have malicious intentions toward others. Yet, some people I know are certain that others wish them ill and are actively out to get them. (I recently learned that this is called "Fundamental Attribution Errors." People erroneously attribute ill will to others while excusing their own mistakes with things like, "Well, I was stressed," or tired, or ill, etc.)
For example, the other morning I was watching Sunday Morning with my dad. They featured a story about an L.A. cop who has never, ever, had a complaint lodged against him. This is unheard-of. So they interviewed the guy and watched him handing out traffic tickets.
His attitude was one of kindness and respect and safety. He set up a win-win situation with those he was fining for breaking the law! The drivers liked him, because he didn't try to order them around, shame them, or create an adversarial relationship with them. He gave them the benefit of the doubt. And isn't that how we all want to be treated?
So if the Golden Rule says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," why don't more people give others the same benefit of the doubt? Why do they ascribe sinister motives to someone else, look for reasons to take offense, and allow this to make them angry?
I've been reading a book called The Power, by Rhonda Byrne, who also wrote The Secret. While they are new-age and kind of smarmy and simplistic, the message is: Love. Love is the most positive force in the universe, and as we express it toward everyone and everything, we bring it to ourselves. This is essentially the same message delivered in a more thoughtful and sophisticated way in Bonds that Make us Free. Christ teaches us to love one another--no matter what. We need to worry less about our own needs being met, and reach out to meet the needs of others.
My dear late mother truly believed that the only thing that mattered was the way she treated people, and it didn't matter what she thought of them. I disagree. We need to send positive, benevolent thoughts and behaviors to everyone, regardless of how they treat us. I believe that as we think, so are we. If we are positive and happy, it positively affects others, and don't we love being around positive, happy people?
This is not easy, but it is absolutely necessary.
For example, the other morning I was watching Sunday Morning with my dad. They featured a story about an L.A. cop who has never, ever, had a complaint lodged against him. This is unheard-of. So they interviewed the guy and watched him handing out traffic tickets.
His attitude was one of kindness and respect and safety. He set up a win-win situation with those he was fining for breaking the law! The drivers liked him, because he didn't try to order them around, shame them, or create an adversarial relationship with them. He gave them the benefit of the doubt. And isn't that how we all want to be treated?
So if the Golden Rule says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," why don't more people give others the same benefit of the doubt? Why do they ascribe sinister motives to someone else, look for reasons to take offense, and allow this to make them angry?
I've been reading a book called The Power, by Rhonda Byrne, who also wrote The Secret. While they are new-age and kind of smarmy and simplistic, the message is: Love. Love is the most positive force in the universe, and as we express it toward everyone and everything, we bring it to ourselves. This is essentially the same message delivered in a more thoughtful and sophisticated way in Bonds that Make us Free. Christ teaches us to love one another--no matter what. We need to worry less about our own needs being met, and reach out to meet the needs of others.
My dear late mother truly believed that the only thing that mattered was the way she treated people, and it didn't matter what she thought of them. I disagree. We need to send positive, benevolent thoughts and behaviors to everyone, regardless of how they treat us. I believe that as we think, so are we. If we are positive and happy, it positively affects others, and don't we love being around positive, happy people?
This is not easy, but it is absolutely necessary.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Be Kind to Yourself
Why is it that most of us have no trouble being kind to other people, but when it comes to ourselves, we just can't do it?
We dwell on the mistakes, imperfections, humiliations--the times when we felt "less than." Less than what others expected of us, less than what we expected of ourselves.
Even though I have had moments of epiphany when I have discovered that it's okay to be imperfect, that imperfection is normal and that perfection is rarely obtained, and that imperfection usually doesn't matter at all, it is still very, very hard for me to accept this in myself.
I know that God accepts me in all my imperfection, that He loves me, and that he appreciates my striving to be better. and that I can cast my burdens at His feet.
All humans are worthy of love and belonging, including me. We are loved by, and belong to, a wonderful Heavenly Father. We follow Him by extending His love to all--and we must accept this love for ourselves, imperfections and all.
We dwell on the mistakes, imperfections, humiliations--the times when we felt "less than." Less than what others expected of us, less than what we expected of ourselves.
Even though I have had moments of epiphany when I have discovered that it's okay to be imperfect, that imperfection is normal and that perfection is rarely obtained, and that imperfection usually doesn't matter at all, it is still very, very hard for me to accept this in myself.
I know that God accepts me in all my imperfection, that He loves me, and that he appreciates my striving to be better. and that I can cast my burdens at His feet.
All humans are worthy of love and belonging, including me. We are loved by, and belong to, a wonderful Heavenly Father. We follow Him by extending His love to all--and we must accept this love for ourselves, imperfections and all.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Liking What One Has to Do
In my sophomore year of college, I read a very thought-provoking quote posted on the dorm floor's bulletin board.
"The secret to life is not doing what one likes, but learning to like what one has to do." (Dinah Maria Mulok Craik)
This is very true. As I was forcing myself through my exercise class today--I really dislike exercise of any sort--I realized that most of the time, I am doing what I have to do, not what I'd like to do. What I really like is the end result of the things I have to do, such as a stronger, slimmer, flexible body, a clean floor, draperies in the living room, a delicious meal.
I do enjoy the process of knitting as well as the finished product, but that, for me, is rare. Oh, and I like spending money and reading. But I can't, and don't, spend money I do not have and I try not to read when I have other responsibilities that are more pressing.
The thing is, I have learned that being an adult means that you exercise the self-discipline to do things you don't really like, but that benefit your family, or yourself sometime in the future.
College was not an enjoyable experience for me, and I was too immature to try to figure out how I could learn to like what I had to do. If I had just given myself permission to take some classes for fun, rather than zoom my way through just what I had to take to graduate, perhaps it would have been a better experience. Still, it was something I had to do--and I was able to support myself after I graduated.
I took upon myself obligations and responsibilities when I got married, and I have learned to like at least some of the things I have to do. I feel proud of myself when I hold my tongue and resist nagging my husband, and I feel happy when I see the stacks of clean, fresh laundry or the beautifully made bed.
Dedication to the gospel of Jesus Christ has brought with it obligations and many tasks I'd rather not do, but I am grateful to God for my health and strength and other blessings, so I don't begrudge the service I give in His kingdom.
Doing what one likes all the time does not bring happiness or self-esteem. Discipline, courage, and remaining positive when doing what one has to do, does.
"The secret to life is not doing what one likes, but learning to like what one has to do." (Dinah Maria Mulok Craik)
This is very true. As I was forcing myself through my exercise class today--I really dislike exercise of any sort--I realized that most of the time, I am doing what I have to do, not what I'd like to do. What I really like is the end result of the things I have to do, such as a stronger, slimmer, flexible body, a clean floor, draperies in the living room, a delicious meal.
I do enjoy the process of knitting as well as the finished product, but that, for me, is rare. Oh, and I like spending money and reading. But I can't, and don't, spend money I do not have and I try not to read when I have other responsibilities that are more pressing.
The thing is, I have learned that being an adult means that you exercise the self-discipline to do things you don't really like, but that benefit your family, or yourself sometime in the future.
College was not an enjoyable experience for me, and I was too immature to try to figure out how I could learn to like what I had to do. If I had just given myself permission to take some classes for fun, rather than zoom my way through just what I had to take to graduate, perhaps it would have been a better experience. Still, it was something I had to do--and I was able to support myself after I graduated.
I took upon myself obligations and responsibilities when I got married, and I have learned to like at least some of the things I have to do. I feel proud of myself when I hold my tongue and resist nagging my husband, and I feel happy when I see the stacks of clean, fresh laundry or the beautifully made bed.
Dedication to the gospel of Jesus Christ has brought with it obligations and many tasks I'd rather not do, but I am grateful to God for my health and strength and other blessings, so I don't begrudge the service I give in His kingdom.
Doing what one likes all the time does not bring happiness or self-esteem. Discipline, courage, and remaining positive when doing what one has to do, does.
Monday, July 9, 2012
More on Joy
My feeling is that pleasures are short-lived--the pleasure of eating a delicious meal, reading a good book, watching a movie, finishing a task and admiring the result. Joy, on the other hand, is deep happiness that threads its way through a well-lived life.
I read this quote, by Brene Brown:
"Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments--often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we're too busy chasing down extraordinary moments...A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable."
Brown goes on to say that because we are anxious, joy and gratitude can be very vulnerable and intense experiences, so we sabotage the joy because, perhaps we fear it won't last, or we are worried that the other shoe will drop. My mother was the master of this kind of thinking. It robbed her of happiness her entire life.
I know that joy and happiness are part of God's plan for His children. I believe that living with an open heart, with benevolence toward others and forgiveness of oneself, is the road to deep and lasting joy.
I read this quote, by Brene Brown:
"Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments--often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we're too busy chasing down extraordinary moments...A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable."
Brown goes on to say that because we are anxious, joy and gratitude can be very vulnerable and intense experiences, so we sabotage the joy because, perhaps we fear it won't last, or we are worried that the other shoe will drop. My mother was the master of this kind of thinking. It robbed her of happiness her entire life.
I know that joy and happiness are part of God's plan for His children. I believe that living with an open heart, with benevolence toward others and forgiveness of oneself, is the road to deep and lasting joy.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Cup of Sorrows, Mountain of Joy
Kahlil Gibran is supposed to have said, "Your cup of sorrows is carved from your mountain of joy."
Sometimes it seems to be the other way around.
This month has been a terrible emotional roller coaster. My youngest separated from her husband of less than eight months. She told us this three days before I left to attend the birth of our first grandchild.
The couple has sought counseling and she moved back in with her husband, but she seems to have abandoned her responsibilities. Stress makes her anxious, and she is quick to rewrite history to support what she wants to do right then--run away. The entire situation has made me physically ill. My heart literally feels like a broken weight in my chest. This is the same girl who was a lovely bride last fall, taking on herself serious religious commitments and responsibilities!
There has been much prayer and temple attendance, which are great blessings, but I fear that she has not changed her heart and may never do so.
The baby took his time making his appearance, so I extended my stay (at great expense) twice. I will have been here over three weeks by the time I leave on Friday, June 22. The Lord wanted me here for my children, and though it has been very tough, I am trying to submit myself to this trial meekly.
But then there is the mountain of joy. Our little grandson was born on Monday, June 18, his great-grandmother's 91st birthday. He is beautiful, and doing well. Babies are such a miracle. We are so happy to have him in our family!
An amazing revelation occurred to me today: My life is far from perfect. I keep trying to make it perfect, and berate myself for the imperfections. This wrong. No more! I need to embrace my life--and live it as my own, as imperfect as it is, because it is mine. It's okay just to do my best, honoring my covenants and repenting when I need to. I embrace my interesting, imperfect life.
And it is beautiful.
Sometimes it seems to be the other way around.
This month has been a terrible emotional roller coaster. My youngest separated from her husband of less than eight months. She told us this three days before I left to attend the birth of our first grandchild.
The couple has sought counseling and she moved back in with her husband, but she seems to have abandoned her responsibilities. Stress makes her anxious, and she is quick to rewrite history to support what she wants to do right then--run away. The entire situation has made me physically ill. My heart literally feels like a broken weight in my chest. This is the same girl who was a lovely bride last fall, taking on herself serious religious commitments and responsibilities!
There has been much prayer and temple attendance, which are great blessings, but I fear that she has not changed her heart and may never do so.
The baby took his time making his appearance, so I extended my stay (at great expense) twice. I will have been here over three weeks by the time I leave on Friday, June 22. The Lord wanted me here for my children, and though it has been very tough, I am trying to submit myself to this trial meekly.
But then there is the mountain of joy. Our little grandson was born on Monday, June 18, his great-grandmother's 91st birthday. He is beautiful, and doing well. Babies are such a miracle. We are so happy to have him in our family!
An amazing revelation occurred to me today: My life is far from perfect. I keep trying to make it perfect, and berate myself for the imperfections. This wrong. No more! I need to embrace my life--and live it as my own, as imperfect as it is, because it is mine. It's okay just to do my best, honoring my covenants and repenting when I need to. I embrace my interesting, imperfect life.
And it is beautiful.
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