Miss Manners, we need you!

I almost couldn't believe my ears when I heard the new tag line for Charmin toilet paper, "Enjoy the go!" Do they really mean to imply that Charmin users should enjoy the experience of defecation?

Backing up a bit, I have deliberately never bought Charmin toilet tissue. I thought the Mr. Whipple "Don't squeeze the Charmin!" ad campaign idiotic, and I was turned off by the cartoon bears doing their business in the woods with a roll of toilet paper stuck on a tree branch. Ha ha ha. "Does a bear [defecate] in the woods?" Major, major, turnoff.

Now they have combined the animated bears with the tag line. What are they thinking?

Well, I found out that they are putting a bunch of portable toilets in Times Square at Christmas and hiring five bloggers to talk to people who "really, really enjoy going to the bathroom." The chosen five will receive $10,000 each for their blogging/Twitter/YouTube stints. I can only hope that this project is felled by the kind of snowstorms we got last winter.

It seems to me the only people who will really get a kick out of such stuff are those who have scatalogical tendencies. Frankly, I, and most people I know, do not want to broadcast their personal business for all and sundry on social networks to see.

I recall a story about Jackie Kennedy running the tap while she used the bathroom in the Kennedy family home. Her in-laws made fun of her for this, but I don't blame Jackie a bit. It's embarrassing to have to use the facilities in close proximity to others.

Miss Manners put it best when she opined that anything that goes on in a restroom is private and should never be remarked upon. As for me, any activity behind a closed bathroom/restroom door, short of murder and mayhem, is none of my business and what I do in there is none of anyone else's.

My mother insisted on using only Charmin; I refused to buy it when she visited my house, so she bought her own. (Digressing now: when she complained that my basic-basic cable didn't have "enough channels" for her, I ordered full basic the next time she visited. See? I'm not unreasonable and I do look out for the comfort of my guests!) The Charmin inevitably clogged up the pipes. I know this is a common complaint about the brand.

Unfortunately, I think encouraging people to "enjoy the go!" is going to look quaint and downright modest compared to what's going to be included in ads five years from now. In the meantime, though, boycott the Charmin!