First World Problems

I have never really liked my kitchen. Its only saving grace has been its large size. It had dark oak cabinets, an ugly white tile floor grouted in gray (which I painstakingly painted with almond grout paint; that made it look less grid-like), and originally had beat-up off-white Formica counters. Over the years, I replaced the counters with a prettier green Formica that looked like granite, and I got a fabulous Bosch dishwasher. But the cabinets were cheap, the fridge inadequate, and the stove had a section of the seal missing on the top oven that made an indelible grease and soot stain on the strip of chrome above it. The burners didn't work that well and it was not level, so cakes came out lopsided. I lived with all this for 16 years.

I did have a nice table and chairs and pretty window treatments; it could have been a lot worse. But the tile was increasingly hard on my back and legs, and in April, I dropped a bottle of red nail polish on the floor. It shattered, and I had to use nail polish remover to get all of it up.

That did it. I decided to get a new kitchen.

To save money, we decided to do most of the work ourselves. So we proceeded to nearly kill our middle-aged selves with the demolition. We removed the stupid soffits, and Wes re-routed the wiring that was inside. Out went most of the cheap cabinets. We made three trips to the dump.

The floor was a beast to get up. Then we had to take out a layer of subfloor and install a new one. Then the flooring went in. It's a European product that clicks together, so we did it ourselves. What a chore. It wasn't that difficult, but it was tedious.

In the meantime, we set up our new microwave oven on the kitchen table moved into the dining room. We have been eating off of paper plates with plastic cutlery. All my stuff normally stored in the kitchen has been stashed all over the house. What a mess.

Everything is covered in a layer of dust. Our air conditioning filter was filthy in no time. I will have to clean everything in the house!

But what right do I have to complain? I may not be getting the kitchen of my dreams (at least $20,000 more than I could spend) but it is beautiful. I have cherry cabinets! I am getting a granite counter--a slab I picked myself! My floor is beautiful! We will have under-cabinet lighting and beautiful fixtures! I get a new fridge and stove! I now have a microwave oven! (Which I have never had, but never missed. I am just putting it in because it is standard in homes now.)

First world problems. I decided that I would not lament the things I cannot have, but celebrate the things I can have. Especially when so many around the world do not have even clean water to drink. I can get it chilled right out of my fridge!

I feel very fortunate to live in this time and place and to have the means to fix up my house. I am blessed. We are working very hard, but it will be such a wonderful finish to my home. I have beautiful hardwood floors and a cherry kitchen!

Belief and Unbelief

I have been blessed with a second grandchild--a little girl, born to my daughter and son-in-law on Thursday, June 13. I get to go see her next week.

My faith has been tested mightily the last few months, and I do have to say I have grown from the experience. From time to time, I feel borne up on the wings of the Spirit, but this does not happen as much as I would like it to. I have never felt that the Lord has abandoned me, exactly; but I have not felt the great healing power I believe is there for the faithful.

Yet, I know better than to try to force this or expect God to bend to my will. And I have to admit that while I hate experiencing the refiner's fire, I believe that the refined end result will be worth it.

So I hav embarked on a major project in order to have something to focus on and to anticipate. We are re-doing our kitchen! It is an expensive process requiring a lot of decisions, so I hired a designer to help me, and now it is just a matter of ripping out the old and getting the new done on schedule. Wes is taking pictures all along the way and will put the chronicles on his Picasa site, as he did our wood floor installation.

We have successfully installed our new light fixture over the kitchen table. I did a nice job of repairing the drywall in the ceiling--we had to move the light a few inches. I have chosen a gorgeous granite for the countertops. I will finally have both my wood floor and granite counters! My life is complete!

Difficulties are not Punishments

How I wish I had known the language to express this simple idea to my mother before she died.

I have always suspected this; I knew that life brings difficulties and trials to everyone. But I had to learn this for myself. My poor mom always believed that a problem-free life was possible and desirable, and that somehow she was being punished when she had a difficult experience.

Because this was my mother's worldview, I of course absorbed it on some level. I think I believed it at one point in my life. But of course, with experience I have found that nobody gets through this life without problems. Nobody. The problems may be different, of course, but everyone has them. Princess Diana was a prime example. She was highborn, wealthy, beautiful, famous, had two darling boys, but was never happy. She cast about looking for happiness, but died tragically never having found it. (It didn't help that her husband was unfaithful. But still.)

But, Old Testament aside, God does not send us difficulties to punish us. Rather, he has set a world in motion, and the fallen state of it has given us problems to overcome. We have to work, labor to give birth, suffer the frailties of our human bodies, and we are affected by the mistakes and sins of others as well as our own.

We therefore must make it a priority to look for the good things we experience rather than dwell on the things that are imperfect or negative. Sometimes it feels as though there are no good things at all, but we can search among the weeds for the wildflowers. They are there.

Grief

Grief is the unspeakable sorrow that results from a tragic experience.

We have kind of a weird relationship with grief. We really don't know how to deal with it or how to help someone else deal with it, despite the proliferation of so-called "grief counselors" today.

Most of the time, we think of grief in relation to a death, but we can grieve for other reasons.

I am grieving right now for unfulfilled dreams and expectations, and the spiritual death of a child. It is hard. I feel I have no one who can help me. I pray, but my expectations of succor and comfort are not met. I really don't even know what those expectations are. I grieve the non-appearance of a miracle that I desperately hoped for. I grieve for what I may not have done right earlier in my life. I grieve for people I know who are experience excruciating heartache, the uncertainty of job loss, and terminal illness. I grieve the loss of my youth and optimism. I feel grief for the diminishing strength of my physical body.

I know that grief is another of the refiner's fires, that without the bitter things in life, I cannot appreciate the sweet. But I have been tasting the bitter for a long time now. I don't find many sweet things these days.

Tomorrow morning, I will pull myself out of bed once again, find the things to be thankful for in the day, and I will seek to help others and fulfill my responsibilities.

But for now, I grieve.

Tender Mercies

I drove to Richmond today in order to work on a story. As I drove south through the early morning, the sun gradually dawning, I was so grateful to have a nice car to drive, and XM radio to listen to--no losing the station! I was happy to be in good health and have a great reason to go down there and learn something new.

Being grateful for the small things is key to happiness, I've found. When I start to lament the problems I have in my life, I realize that a lot of other people have things a lot worse.

The Lord gives us tender mercies all the time, but we have to actually look for them and rejoice in them, especially when times are tough. While there have been times I've shaken my fist and asked the Lord, why? I know He is there, He knows me, and He will make things right in the end, as long as I am faithful.

Last October, Elder Neil L. Anderson said in General Conference:

"These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God...Immerse yourself in the very things that helped build your core of faith: exercise faith in Christ, pray, ponder the scriptures, repent, keep the commandments, serve others...whatever you do, don't step away from the Church! Distancing yourself from the kingdom of God during a trial of faith is like leaving the safety of a secure storm cellar just as the tornado comes into view."

So true, and exactly what I needed to hear on Sunday.

Just Being

I'm sitting alone in the house, with nothing pressing to do, just enjoying the quiet and occasionally the wind gusting outside my window.

The bed is made, the quilt top complete, I just packed up a gift to send to a friend, and my bills are paid.  The paperwork for our taxes is organized. The car has enough gas and we have food in the 'fridge. I am perking along with an article that is due in a couple of weeks. All is well.

So, rather than wrack my brain for something "constructive" to do, I am just sitting, happily drinking in the silence and the beauty of my surroundings, enjoying the contentment. There is much to be grateful for, and I intend to enjoy that.

Just being.

Happiness, again

The Constitution of the United States guarantees Americans the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It does not guarantee happiness itself; only the right to pursue it.

The pursuit of happiness is, I believe, ingrained in humans. But how do we square our pursuit of happiness with the selfishness that makes the natural man an enemy to God?

Because of my faith, I believe God and Jesus Christ want me to turn from my natural tendencies to complain, be selfish, sleep too much, eat too much, and just be nasty. It is much easier to give in to these tendencies than to fight them, unfortunately.

But, oddly enough, behaving in the way that feels most natural to me does not bring me happiness. Quite the contrary! I am happiest when I am exercising, accomplishing tasks that help my family, and striving to become more disciplined and productive.

Recently I finished the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. She is a 30-something attorney-turned-writer in New York, the mother of two, and an inveterate researcher. So she set up her own project to become happier over the course of a year. And guess what? She found that happiness was highest when she was kinder and nicer to her husband and kids, including extending more patience and compassion to her daughters (I wish I'd been able to learn this 25 years ago), disciplining herself by mindfully working resolutions to eat better, organize better, and overall exercise more self-discipline; to increase her charitable donations, and to cultivate a more loving and benevolent attitude toward life. It was fascinating to read about her discoveries that led to what I would call a more Christlike life.

And she came to these conclusions in a completely secular way.

One of the things she did was designate a week wherein she made no negative comments whatsoever. It was difficult, and she did not do it perfectly, but she became mindful of what she was doing and really tried to be completely positive. This is one thing I am definitely going to do!

Rubin also came to the conclusion that being cheerful and positive are harder to do than being cranky and negative. Very true. It was a boost to have someone acknowledge this. I remind myself of it when I am trying to be cheerful in the face of problems or another person's negativity.

Reading this book helped me know that I am on the right path for myself. I am impressed that she came to these conclusions so early in life--I wish I had, but at least I was living the gospel of Jesus Christ, so I was making some progress in the right direction.

I am excited to begin a new year for the first time in a long time. I choose to be happy this new year.