Cancer Awareness

October is my favorite month, especially here in Virginia. The trees are fantastic with all the colored leaves, the sky is a clear, sharp blue, and the air is crisp. It's time to switch to the fluffy down comforter, have fires in the fireplace, and wear my sweaters. Halloween is my favorite holiday, too.

Then the breast cancer people co-opted October. Now I'm bombarded with pink ribbons on everything and urged to donate to "breast cancer research." "Portions of proceeds" are donated, supposedly, when women buy stuff from crackers to socks to designer handbags.

Well, every day is Breast Cancer Awareness Day for me. I have three scars and five tattoos to show for it, not to mention a numb armpit and the side effects from radiation.

Don't get me wrong--I am absolutely not complaining. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful group of doctors taking care of me and excellent health insurance. I had a small cancer that was at a very early stage, and I never even had to spend a night in the hospital. Really, I did not let it interfere much with my life at all, and very few people know I even had it. I am very glad I was not subjected to a radical mastectomy, which was done in every case even as recently as 35 years ago--but, let's face it, the research which gave rise to less invasive procedures was conducted on women who already had breast cancer. That's not prevention research, or causal research, it's clinical trial research.

I just have to wonder--with all the walks, runs, outright donations and merchandise, exactly how much is this industry taking in for "research?" How much is actually being spent on time in the lab? And with this waterfall of funds, why hasn't more been discovered?

Frankly, if I never see a pink ribbon again, it will be too soon. (You can even have a Breast Cancer license plate in Virginia.) I feel I have donated enough to breast cancer, thank you very much.

Success, in a small thing

My daughter got married, and I hosted a group of virtual strangers in my home for a week. It was a lot of fun!

There were two babies, a five-year-old and a twelve-year-old. Various adults came and went. It was a pleasure to get to know them! I only hope they were comfortable here. Of course, my son and daughter-in-law were here for ten days. My daughter-in-law is a terrific person. I could not have done it without her help. She is a brilliant manager and knows just how to deal with a lot of different types of people. She really helped out with my younger daughter, who could sound off to her big sister and get the sympathetic ear she needed.

Of course, I did a lot of cooking, cleaning, and shopping, just to keep people fed! We went through a lot of Lucky Charms cereal. We hosted dinner at our neighborhood pool a couple of nights, and weathered a bad rainstorm with pizza one afternoon.

And I learned a lot about myself. I learned that nothing is perfect, and that's okay. I learned that it's a joy and a privilege to serve others. I learned that I am quite capable of not sweating the small stuff! My daughter has married into a lovely family that love each other. I am glad they came and stayed with us, and I hope they return!

Still Learning after all These Years

I just finished one of my favorite books, Bonds That Make Us Free, by C. Terry Warner, again. I have read it about three times during the past six years I've owned it.

It has taken me at least that long to digest and incorporate the information he presents into my life. Next to the scriptures, I think it is the most important book I've ever read.

Warner points out that we spend a lot of time taking offense, and that this is a type of self-betrayal. We get angry, then seek to justify our anger by blaming someone for provoking us. I guess, deep inside, I have always known this type of reaction to be wrong. And I admit that since I now have an empty nest, there are fewer people around to do things at which I become irritated. However, Warner's work resonates with me. We all enjoy and prefer people who are open, accepting, and loving, non-judgmental and uncritical, and that is the type of person I want to be.

I am teaching myself to look at the world, and other people, as a happy, open, positive place. I don't view others as my enemies. Instead, I realize others are just doing the best they can, and it is my responsibility to cut them some slack instead of assuming they're trying to thwart me. Usually people who are nasty, angry, and suspicious, are unhappy and afraid. The world to them is a dangerous place. I don't want to be like that, and I have compassion for people who do.

I only wish I'd had this book twenty years ago. It would have saved me from myself in a lot of ways! I am not perfect, but I am making progress.

Mother of the Bride

So, in just over a week, a whole bunch of essential strangers are descending on my house. The occasion is their son's/brother's wedding to my daughter.

My sister and her son are coming too. And I am hosting an unbelievably expensive party at the local country club for our friends, my daughter's friends, and her in-laws.

Now, nobody who hasn't done the Mother of the Bride thing realizes the huge amount of time and sheer effort that goes into these things. Not to mention the money.

I have had to:

Choose wedding invitations and come up with wording
Get bride to okay invitations
Nag bride to get pictures made to put in the invitations
Figure out how much the postage is and buy the stamps
Coerce address lists from my daughter and her fiance's mother
Create database with all addresses
Address, assemble, stamp and mail over 100 invitations
Keep track of who is coming and who is not
Find an appropriate outfit in the right color
Find shoes and blouse to go with appropriate outfit
Help daughter find a wedding dress
Pay for dress
Argue with dress shop about price for bolero to match dress
Buy fabric and pattern and make veil
Help choose bridesmaids' dresses
Buy two bridesmaids' dresses
Design, make, and install sleeves in three of bridesmaids' dresses
Make matrix for sleeping arrangements of guests
Bake and freeze cookies and cakes to feed guests
Make trip to cake decorating shop to find stand for cakes
Select and buy cakes
Arrange for friend to pick up cakes
Purchase and alter new suit for father of the bride
Endure whining from other daughter about bridesmaid dress
Nag bride about ties for groomsmen and fathers
Choose and buy ties for groomsmen and fathers
Search for a tie for the groom
Buy tie for groom
Search on the Internet and drive all over the county to find reception site
Select food for reception
Get approval from bride for food
Put deposit down for reception
Make list of songs for son to put on ipod for reception
Paint laundry room
Refinish grout on kitchen floor
Get at least one chair reupholstered
Plan meals for guests
Shop for food for guests
Search Internet for purple flowers in July
Drive 40 miles to pick up flowers for dry run with florist
Buy vases for guest tables at reception
Check out purple flowers at local grocery stores
Buy little bottles of bubble stuff
Select and buy miles of ribbon for bouquets, favors, and boutonnieres
Order flowers on Internet
Find and order jordan almonds on Internet
Buy little cellophane bags for almonds
Place almonds in bags and tie with ribbons and bubble stuff
Create and send guest list for shower
Buy shower gift
Create and send guest list for out-of-state open house
Pick up and return cake stand
Send packages of bride's household goods to new apartment
Make at least three trips to airport to pick up guests
Arrange for evening photo session with photographer
Determine tipping procedure for waiters at reception
Report back to catering manager for reception
Coordinate family members to arrive at wedding site

There's more, but this is most of it. At the same time, I am doing all the stuff I normally do: work, exercise, church work, cook, clean, shop.

I hope my second daughter gives me at least two years before she gets married!

A Milestone Again

Today we hit another parenting milestone: our youngest graduated from high school.

Yippee! No more yelling about homework. No more making sack lunches which never get eaten. No more parent-teacher conferences. No more early-morning church seminary!

There's both a huge relief and a bit of sadness. I will miss having kids over and the enthusiasm and fun they bring to my house. It is never the same once the kids go away to college.

I will also miss my daughter's involvement in the high school theater department. It was a lot of fun to see her on stage. I will not miss all the work I did as the Drama Boosters president (two years, vice-president for another one).

So will things slow down now that I am looking at an empty nest? I certainly hope so!

More Work for Mother

We bought this house eleven years ago. It had some stuff wrong with it, but a lot of things right--such as the price, location, the four-year-old air conditioning and heating systems, and the soaring cathedral ceilings in the living and dining rooms.

However, one of the wrong things is the white tile flooring in the kitchen and dining room. It has wavy edges and half-inch wide dark gray grout. Several years ago, I started staining the grout off-white, a many-stepped, tiresome chore I quickly abandoned.

But now along comes my daughter's wedding, and coincidentally, I found a fabulous grout cleaner. So I am taking up the chore again--and I like the results so much that this time, I will finish! It looks like a totally different floor. The grid look disappears completely, and it looks much less high-tech and casual. I will not lie, though. It's going to take me a while.

First, I spray this grout cleaner on the lines. It sits for a couple of minutes. Then I scrub, hard, with a brush and a toothbrush. Then I rinse, twice. Then it has to dry. At that point, I go over the grout lines with white grout paint. Once that dries somewhat, I go over it again, painstakingly with a little brush, with buff grout colorant. It has to dry at least twelve hours, then I scrub off the excess with a white scrubber. The blue or green ones are too abrasive.

After that, I have to wait a month before I can wash the floor. At that point, I will spray on another sealant because the tile has a lot of little scratches that hold dirt, and it will fill them up.

Sounds like fun, huh? But I swear, it looks like a new floor. And since my 23-year-old kitchen needs replacing, it will keep me going for a few years until we can afford that.

Concurrently, I am reading a book called "More Work for Mother," a treatise on how industrialization had a bigger influence on reducing traditionally male chores--for example, how the advent of coal-burning stoves made it unnecessary for men to chop and split wood--but made more work for women because, in this example, meal preparation became more complicated, and the stove needed a lot more care than an open hearth. Hmmm.

The Mirror Doesn't Lie

I have spent a great deal of my life worrying about my weight and my looks. I'm one of those people who would rather be hit by a truck than gain 30 pounds. I began dieting, with my mother's enthusiastic approval, when I was about 14. When I was 17, I went to the doctor for my pre-college physical, and I weighed 116 pounds. He told me not to gain any more, but of course at college, with the stress, I did. I ate a lot, and gained about 11 pounds.

In fact, my biggest regret is that during my college years, I allowed myself to obsess over my weight and my love life and did not enjoy the variety of experiences available on campus. I wish I'd taken more dance classes, and not pushed myself to get through early (I was only 21 and two months when I graduated). I felt unattractive and therefore unworthy of any young man's attention. Actually, I was only about 10 pounds overweight.

Well, I managed to get married a couple years after graduating, and lost weight (about 13 pounds) without even trying just after I got engaged. I remember, at about age 35, getting on the scale and being shocked that my weight had "ballooned" to 117 pounds--what I weighed four months after giving birth to my son! I didn't have a weight problem until my thyroid went south when I was 37.

I went to Weight Watchers at age 43 and lost 20 pounds, a few of which I gained back, then lost a couple of times.

Still, I was a food addict. I worried every day about my weight. I love chocolate and sweets--cookies are my favorite food. I love to bake, and then eat what I bake.

Then I got cancer in the spring of 2006. I was about six pounds over what I like to weigh when I was diagnosed. I went through surgery and radiation, and then took Tamoxifen for a couple of months. It made me so depressed I begged the doctor to let me stop. Well, I did. Then I began to eat.

I gained about 12 more pounds and I have not been able to lose it since. Now, it has become a real problem because my self-esteem has plummeted, and I have to get a dress for my daughter's wedding in July. I have never been this heavy for this long. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's two sizes for me. (I am very small-boned.) Good thing I do Jazzercise three or four times a week, or I'd be a whale.

I can't figure out why I cannot seem to stop. I have lost weight before, and I feel a lot better when my clothes fit. I have had to replace nearly all my pants this past year. But it's hard to go into the stores and face the truth in the dressing-room mirror.

I have said that being overweight is like having a ball and chain around your ankle and the key in your hand, and being too afraid, or too lazy, to lean down and unlock it. I am not sure what eating is solving for me (maybe it's menopause!) but until I do figure it out, I have to basically take one day at a time--like those Overeaters Anonymous members do.