Blunders

Sometimes I feel unutterably inadequate. Actually, make that a lot of the time.

My boss dressed me down for a mistake I made last Tuesday, and now, Sunday, it still is bothering me. I feel that so often, I stick out my neck and I get a bop on the head. The story of my life. I suppose that when the end of my life comes, I will be glad I stuck out said neck and suffered the blows on the head rather than carefully living my life so that I avoid all problems. But in the meantime, I humiliate myself on a regular basis.

I pray fervently every day that I can bless the lives of people I come across. I pray that I can bless the lives of my customers, to not make mistakes at work, to serve as a good example of a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. So I get very frustrated when my good intentions come to naught or are misinterpreted.

This past year has been so very, very hard. I believe in God; I know Christ lives and that I am loved by my father in Heaven, but the good things are so few and far between. I know each day is a gift, and that looking for the small tender mercies that really are there every day, helps. I really need some truly good things to happen, though. And not just for me--for my children. I feel so beaten down by life.

Life with young children was difficult, it is true, and I longed for the day when they didn't need me so much. But then comes the time that they are adults, and when they make decisions that are in conflict with the Gospel or are just plain lazy or dumb, it really can be devastating. When they are small, they can break your spirit, but when they are adults, they can break your heart. It is so difficult to maintain optimism when I consider that there may be empty chairs around my table in the afterlife.

However, that is what God experiences too.